Transparency

Transparency is the quality of being easily seen through or, in a business/work setting, is defined as honesty and openness. I've started to blog recently, numerous times, only to shut my computer and set it aside or even shove it under the bed....why? Because transparency is hard for me. Honesty is not hard. The part about being able to see through, to see what's really going on... that is hard. I am a private person in many regards and in our current situation, it's hard for quite a number of reasons. Openness leads to many more questions, unsolicited opinions & concerned thoughts from others that just bring weight or worry and the problem lies in knowing it's most always well-meaning, precious family or friends reaching out to try to help bear the burden during this time. I find myself wanting to sequester with my little {or not so little} crew for an open-ended amount of time and just be. I know that through all of this, God has been working on me. Makes me think of a song I loved to sing as a little girl - "He's still working on me, to make me what I ought to be..." 

As I've processed through some of my own insecurities and struggles in these areas, I thought about my transparency with God. So often I tell myself that I'm pouring out my heart, but in reality there is some cloudiness to this declaration of "transparency". God knows it all, yet we so often try to sugar-coat or even overlook things that we need to be open and honest with Him about. Just today I read in Obadiah 1:3 "You have been deceived by your own pride". Pride is definitely an area I'd guess that most people have a hard time being transparent about and here is says that this is the very thing that deceives us!  If nothing else, I've certainly noticed my need to more transparent with the One who created me and knows it all already! That brings so much freedom!!  I pray that if you find yourself in a similar place of clouded transparency with God, that today, you will begin to clear your thoughts and conversations with God so that He can also bring an openness and flow of His blessings into your life!  

So in all transparency :) I'm going to share some of what's been going on. This is not a totally transparent account. There are still many moments and thoughts that have happened since July 24th that I'm working through. Processing. Asking God to help me see His goodness and purpose in every difficult moment. Also praying that God will use those situations and help me share them in a way and at a time that He can receive the most glory!  

We've been home {again} for three weeks. In that time we've had five doctor visits, weekly home health visits, weekly medication deliveries, twice daily infusions of IV antibiotics taking 4-7 hours each day, vital signs every morning & evening and that's all just for Mark. We've had to work through some major struggles that our children internalized over the course of this illness as well as some not-so-great habits they created during our time away. We started homeschooling our 6th grader and it has been quite a learning curve for both our now middle schooler and myself. Our foster kiddos came back to us two weeks ago and it has been like starting all over in many ways, except they are comfortable with us and willing to push the limits on most things. They've also had a couple of doctor visits as well as other standing weekly appointments....add homework, kids chores and just the everyday household duties of a family of 7 and some days seem like living in a pressure cooker. We are so thankful to all be back together though and wouldn't change it a bit....well, except for all the laundry ;) I'd be fine with less of that. Hahaha! 

These are the things that are hard for me to share. I'm a bit of a control freak and I admit it...that's the first step to recovery, or so I'm told ;)  I know that sharing this often sparks offers of various help and for a control freak, that's hard. I'm still looking for socks and washcloths that my Littles "helped" put away while Mark and I were gone. Hahaha! I mean, how many places in our house could they be hiding. There are also a number of things I feel I'm behind on completing like thank you cards and homeschool schedule, meal plans and my "summer" clean-out. Then I'm reminded of the scripture that tells me to "be still" - "be still and know that I am God". Not in the sense of kicking back and binge-watching 4 hours of netflix when my kids still need socks or there are boxes of meds waiting to be put away or wet laundry has been in the machine for 6 hours, but just in taking a moment, often throughout each day to breath in Jesus. To refocus on Him and what He needs me to do in that moment. What my family needs in that moment. Not the crazy, plan an activity for two weeks out and make a list of all supplies needed kind of need, just simply what do I need to do today. Since we've been home, I've been starting (most days) praying a prayer I've never prayed before. It's kind of become my focus and theme - "Jesus, help me leave nothing undone today, that YOU desire for me to accomplish." I've noticed a great difference on the days I forget to start by making that declaration over myself and I'm thankful for this little phrase that the Holy Spirit brought to me in this time. Nothing undone! In conjunction I'm striving to be totally transparent with myself and with Him each night on how well I accomplished the "undone".

To wrap up, we've had so many sweet folks, asking for updates and wanting to know what's going on...all the above are largely why I haven't posted yet, but also because we wanted to get through both doctor appointment this week before we passed anything along. So here's a brief health update on what we've been dealing with, or really what Mark has been dealing with - He is slowly getting stronger. SLOWLY...and that part is hard. Patience is hard at times and in a recovery setting can be so discouraging some days. He still doesn't have much feeling except intense pain in his right foot, which makes walking very difficult. We're on some new meds to try to help with this, so just waiting to see the relief they bring. Last week, his incision opened back up. Not a good thing. We have had two doctors look at this and will be seeing another about it this next week. Due to this and some drainage at the incision site, they have extended his IV meds through most of September rather than ending them this coming Monday as originally scheduled. The picc line that he received medication through has begun to give some problems, the worst being a great deal of pain for Mark in the right side of his chest. We are praying that this will settle down so that we can stay at home and continue to use it for the remainder of his time on IV meds. His CT scan of the abscess looked really good in response to the meds so far, and makes this opening of the site so strange, but man are we thankful that the abscess is so much better. Our visit with his cardiologist this week was an overload of information about changes we need to make as a family, plans for cardiac rehab and potentially placing a pacemaker. We are super thankful for him and know that God chose him just for Mark!  I can not express how thankful I am for those that have brought meals during the past three weeks!  It seriously has been the greatest blessing as I've been able to spend time with all the kids in the evening and we've gotten back into some sort of routine. It seems so inadequate, but thank you!  Also, huge thanks to those that have sent cards of encouragement and financial gifts during this time!  You guys have also blessed us tremendously and we honestly pray for God to return the blessing to each of you many times over!  We are thankful for all of your prayers, they do far more than anything any of us could ever do!!