Hard Places

 I, probably like others out there, naively believed that consistent love and structure could "fix" the traumas of foster care & adoption.  That becoming part of a healthy, Christian, family would {certainly} not eliminate all past hurts and unhealthy life experiences, but that it would do most of the work of bringing about that healing. We've had quite a rude awakening!  

I am diving in deep with this post, and want to preface it by saying that love and structure are a huge part of the environment required to experience deep, meaningful, forever change.  But what about when those positive, consistent factors are in place and things just get worse?  What do we do then?  How do we move forward when the foundation we felt we needed, is not holding up the weight of the life we are living? 

This has been our experience. This is what we are walking through now, actually. Our story is not as common as many adoption stories.  Most folks, even those that adopt many children, do it over a period of time. I know this is a big factor in the weightiness of our struggles.  We went from two children to five, then 7.5 months later, six children, then just a year later, without any warning, added a seventh . So in less than two years we went from two to seven. Let me tell you, that's a huge learning curve!    Add in early life trauma, foster-care trauma (the trauma of being removed from your "normal" and then the shock of realizing it was very much NOT normal), missed diagnosis of an emotional/behavioral disorder, autism, drug addiction and withdrawals at birth, then a medically fragile & heavily drug-exposed baby... most assuredly a situation where ignorance was bliss and had we known, what we know now, we might have missed God's calling to this life because we very likely, would not have said yes.  On top of our youngest five's struggles, we went through a major medical event with Mark's heart surgery and near-death experience. My heart aches as I think of the struggles Trenton & Kamdyn experienced through all of this change and uncertainty. Even as I type it all, I have erased and retyped it, because it seems like too much. 

My first reaction is to want to cover it up and just "forget it" not replay the hard stuff; but this is a story, still being written, of God's immeasurable goodness in our lives! A story of the faithfulness of our Father and Friend who is still at work and still able to breathe life into the dark, traumatic places of each of our hearts. Especially for our Littles, who entered our lives having experienced more pain, heartache, neglect and abuse than you can imagine possible in such a short lifetime. Something I have learned so far, is the power of speaking life. Of telling and retelling how God has been so powerful in our lives. I believe that our testimony is and will continue to be a huge part of healing! That remembering and sharing the plan and work of God, in our family, will increase our faith and help bring healing that simply loving and teaching could not bring about... And in the process, it will encourage someone else who is shuffling along with their hands held in front of them because they can't see what's ahead - I understand because many of my days also feel that way. You know how when you suddenly walk from a very light place into a place with little to no light? How even when you should know the layout of the space, you feel uncertain about what's in front of you and fearful of stumbling? Let me shout it out, THAT IS THE ENEMY! That is why I love sharing. Often times it's may just be for me... but reminding myself of God's faithfulness is so powerful!! Looking back to see how He truly did go before us and even when we felt/feel like we're walking in utter darkness, He is there!  That is powerful and so comforting!

So how are we wading through this thick, swampy, path of parenting children from hard places and with much baggage, some even with trauma before birth?  We're making many mistakes - asking for forgiveness - doing our best to be real and authentic - striving to model living our life for God and His plans and purposes for our life and being quick to point out how He blesses us as we trust Him - seeking Godly counseling - building a circle of family & friends who quite literally "hold my arms up" as we push back against the darkness that has tried to attach itself from such an early age - speaking life - praying - crying - trusting God to be our strength & asking Him to fill in the gaps where we miss the mark! 

 A Day In The Life.... A Start

It's been on my mind for some time to do a little writing about some of our highs and lows in foster care + adoption. Maybe it's to process my own struggles, maybe it's to help process theirs, maybe it's to recognize all the good and joy and success, because so many days feel like everything opposing those traits. Or maybe it's to stir up hearts to find their place in the whole messed up, mixed up yet beauty for ashes world of foster care and adoption. I know there is sometimes controversy over what is shared. - if you feel that way, you don't have to read on. While there are certainly parts that are private and for my children to share if and when they choose. However, many of the struggles they came to us with have so deeply impacted our family, our home life, our relationships and are so intricately intertwined into our lives, that it's part of all of us. 

There is one thing that is certain for me - I feel like there is no way I could have ever seen or experienced the awe & depth of God adopting us into His family, like I have in this journey. It literally brings me to tears, right now, at 2am and 4.5+ years into this life.

For those who may not know our beginning in foster care, we had discussed it from time to time, and always said, one day we should do that.... In 2017 our precious, direct, children heard us discussing it and said "Well if you feel like God is putting this thought in your mind, what are you waiting for?! Just do it!" That was just the reality check we needed. If God said it, just do it!! We began the process shortly after that but weren't fully licensed until January or February 2019. We had multiple 'almost' placements but didn't officially become a foster family until April 18th, 2019. We picked up three little children from a local daycare with ONE wal-mart bag - that was everything for all three of them... let the first heartbreak begin! The one pair of clothes they had, the one on their little bodies, were mostly way too large and the shoes on their feet were nowhere near the needed size for any of them. One child, in response to the trauma of entering foster care, did not speak more than 5 words to us in 24 hours and ate about the same number of bites. It was the most unnerving thing I think I'd ever done. And I was a "kid-person"! Like 10 years of children's ministry and at least 10 years of having a childcare business, plus a mama of two!

On our way to pick them up I received an "oh, by the way" text that informed us that the 3 year old was "non-verbal". That's a pretty big deal and something we felt should have been discussed. Nevertheless, we opened our hearts and home and let the journey begin!

4.19.19 - Our first car ride together with FIVE children 

Walk By Faith??

I've been asking myself this question a lot lately. Well, at least thinking about it A LOT!

The beginning of this new season of our lives has been a scrambled, 

unpredictable forecast with seemingly every season represented. 

There really is some comfort in knowing that if it's summer, 

we may not love the heat, but we can certainly know how to plan for it. 

When winter comes, we know that boots and sweaters should be readily available. 

But when spring looks like winter and winter feels like the blazing heat of summer, 

it brings a sense of confusion and uncertainty. 

These feelings don't exactly foster a strong walk by faith. 

 We sing about praising in the valley or on the mountain, and while I'm a HUGE proponent of speaking it before we feel it, see it or even truly believe it, we're typically singing those lyrics when we're not in a true valley. Oh but when we get there..... 

it's often not a lack of belief but a weariness, a worried mind, 

an unknowing or a fearful heart that causes our faith to wane. 

Just 10 days ago, Mark had surgery to have an internal defibrillator and pacemaker placed. 

To the medical professionals and possibly many others, 

this is probably a fairly routine, an uneventful procedure. 

For me, a person who doesn't struggle with anxiety, 

it brought mountains of anxiety. 

Like, Mt. Everest sized worry and fear. 

And yes, I know all the verses, all the phrases, 

...perfect love casts out fear, fear not, cast all your cares on Him.... 

They are all 100% truths. 

Yet, I still found myself literally crippled with worry in some moments. 

You see, less than 4 years ago he had open heart surgery. Triple bypass. 

And things went well - until they didn't. 

About 2 hours after the end of surgery he began losing blood at a life threatening rate.

In the rush to save his life and get him back in the OR to find the source of blood loss, 

he contracted a sternal wound infection. With just a 40% survival rate, there were some very uncertain and difficult days. This was the deepest valley I had walked through. 

While he was also in the valley, it was such a different journey for him. Being barely conscious for many consecutive days, his experience was quite different than mine. 

The same for this most recent surgery and the mental weight leading into it. 

It was a crazy PTSD kind of emotion. It brought me to a new place of empathy for those that experience this regularly. It also gave some perspective on how we casually say, "trust Jesus".  

While my hope is fully in the maker of Heaven & earth, my human nature felt the emotional toll of life on this earth. I questioned how well I was walking by faith. Was I really doing that? 

Or was I just walking? Just getting by...just doing what had to be done?

And sometimes - you just gotta get through something. We all do it. I've been talking to one of my children about this very thing when it comes to algebra. You just have to get through it. 

And honestly, in many situations, you can do it, with or without Jesus. 

Unbelievers do it every day. But why would you do it without Him? 

For me, getting through it in faith is admitting that I'm struggling. 

Admitting that my heart believes in the goodness and love of Christ, while acknowledging that I am still human and my head reminds me of the dangers in this life. 

The challenge lies in balancing these two. 

One of many life-altering realizations in my life was learning that God is not afraid of my questions, doubts, concerns or weaknesses. In fact, I can't think of anyone in Scripture that did these things more than David and he was given the title of a "man after God's own heart". 

Learning how to recognize these struggles in my life, acknowledge them without accepting them and then freely communicate them to Christ has truly strengthened my walk of faith. 

I don't claim to know all the answers but I do know the One who does. 

There is deep peace and comfort, even when my humanity is quivering because of my realities, in knowing that God will give me what I need, in the moment of true need. 

That is walking by faith.

If you made it through my lengthy post after years of silence on this platform, 

I hope you are encouraged to be real with God. 

He already knows your deepest feelings, 

in fact better than you... 

but He desires honesty and relationship, communication, from us. 

Don't give up! Keep walking in faith! 

He = we {followers of Christ} win in the end!

The Lights Flickered

You know when you're in the midst of a storm and the lights flicker, you wonder how bad the storm really is? Or if you've missed a weather report about something more serious? Maybe there has been an accident because of the wind and rain and you may lose electricity for some time? My kids always ask repeatedly, are the lights going out again? When will the lights come back on? And I'd say that I had all of those questions and more on this day in 2019. 

I grew up on the Gulf Coast and we were no stranger to hurricanes. In fact, my family never left home during a storm so I know the awe and fear these big storms can bring, especially as a child. I remember hearing of neighborhoods or areas nearby that experienced a tornado in the middle of a huge storm. This time last year felt much like that for us. We felt as if we had been in the middle of pounding wind and rain for some time and then on top of that this smaller, yet more powerful storm hit us hard even while the bigger, yet less power-packed storm still raged all around. Lights always flicker when storms come and it was no different for us on this day. It was a literal flickering of life though. Those lights don't often come back on, yet God, in His great compassion, brought light back. I can't thank Him enough!

I remember in the chaos of the moment, walking back by Mark's ICU bay from my tour of where I'd be staying that night, I thought I was about to get another sneak peek at him resting, recovering, beginning the healing journey. The picture I saw though was everything but what I anticipated. I felt fear grip me like I've never felt before. I had seen him passing in a dream or vision a few nights prior and prayed, begged & pleaded with God to return the light of life to Mark. During this night, I never saw the ending, so as the nurse grabbed me and pushed me close to his bedside, every possible outcome ran through my mind. Another nurse told me to get back and then I overheard the first nurse whisper, "she needs to say goodbye". I know she didn't think I heard. She may not have even meant it as a forever goodbye, but I did hear and I knew what the outcome would be without a miracle. 

Last night I was reading about Paul in 2 Corinthians. "That experience is worth boasting about, but I'm not going to do it. I will boast only about my weakness. If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I don't want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message, even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep my from becoming proud."...."Each time He said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness!'" I see these scriptures in a new way today. God has most certainly brought us through some stuff! Especially in the last 18 months... But we've in no way arrived at perfection or full understanding of His ways. Some days I want to put myself in time out for being petty in my thoughts or impatient in my ways. I say to myself, after all God has done, how can I question or wonder or worry. I have to remind myself that these are the very things, weaknesses, that allow Him to be bigger and stronger in my life - when I let Him. This time last year, I felt as helpless and weak as I'd everbeen in my life, yet I look back now and see His strength. I see faith in a truly fearful situation. I see provision when there was much to lose. I see new growth, even in a desert season. I see God. In His gentle yet powerful way, at work. God is the source of Light and of Life and I'm so humbled and thankful that He brought them both back so strong in Mark's life! 

Didn't Know How to LOVE

What a downer title, I KNOW... 

Especially 2 flippin' days before Valentine's Day, right?  

I am completely undone tonight though.

 It feels like a tornado went through all the neatly organized rooms of my heart. 

Foster care isn't for the faint of heart. 

That's true on many levels...juggling schedules, mountains of paperwork, teaching and reteaching the most basic life skills like hygiene (for instance, my school-aged child didn't know how to wipe and dispose of the tp ten months ago - whaaaaaa???) but tonight I've experienced a new realm, if you will. 

I am familiar with the brokenness that just "IS" foster care. 

Once you join the first foster care FB group you can not escape it. 

Most every conversation with a case worker or DFCS staff leads to it as well 

(and major applause to them because they see, hear and experience far more!).  

When you feel like you've read or experienced all the scenarios, think again because as many people as there are in the world, there are that many ways of doing things. 

No two situations are the same! 

Let me first share a little history... 

in less than two months we have had 3 diagnosed cases of the flu, 2 strep, countless tummy issues and coughing like that's what all the cool kids do. 

Just prior to the start of this time, we added a brand, new, teeny, tiny baby to our crew. 

Put all this together for a slightly OCD, germaphobic Mama 

and just roll out the welcome mat for crazy Mama!  Hahaha! 

This past weekend FS8 suddenly started feeling bad, again. 

He has realized that he doesn't have to keep up the caregiver role 

and when he is sick his desire to be the one cared for 

has caused the pendulum to swing completely to the other side!  

In the middle of the night, he will run in our room, sobbing 

if he thinks he has a headache or may be getting sick. 

It's irrational and difficult because it's never been "anything" more than what it actually is - a little headache or a stuffy nose - but at the same time, he is wanting the care and attention so many sick kiddos get and he seems to have missed out on in his life. 

On to this past Monday - my sweet daughter had a headache at school and after a dose of meds felt much better so she stayed at school. 

Later that afternoon, she was a piping hot 103.7. 

I am a - let's pray, sleep, drink powerade & eat chicken noodle soup first

 kind of Mom, so that's we did. 

Then Tuesday afternoon, my fd6 hit 101 on the thermometer. Not our best week! 

Our foster babies didn't wash their hands much when they came to us. 

Not for meals and not even when they left the restroom, so needless to say, 

they are the ones that often contract sickness. 

So tonight, when I walked into what we've been calling the Sick Room 

to see one of the Littles sucking a thumb, I was completely undone. 

After all we've talked about and all the measures we take to stop the thumb-sucking 

and it's still happening here right in the middle of sick-city?!?!?! 

Movie time had to end and it was on to bed. 

My voice was stern. My brow furrowed. My tone was not chipper in the least. 

Once snug in bed, I went through all the reasons why thumb sucking equals a bad choice. All of which have been discussed weekly, some weeks, daily. 

Even the dentist said, do whatever you have to do to stop the thumb sucking. 

So it's not just a germ issue, but also a development issue for the mouth.

After my monologue, I asked if we could work together to figure out why it keeps happening, and this is where I broke. 

I asked why thumb-sucking started in the life before living with us and the sleepy, six-year old answer completely wrecked my world. 

"Because my _______ & _______ didn't know how to love me."  

It was stated rather matter-of-factly, but tore my heart nonetheless. 

My arms couldn't get around that little frame fast enough 

and my heart couldn't break more than it did. 

They didn't know how to love?? 

I know in this young age, really being able to grasp this is not likely but there is enough understanding to know that something was missing, and in a big way. 

How does a family make up for almost 5 years of not being loved in the right way? 

How do we make certain we are loving in the right way? 

These and so many other thoughts and questions filled my mind as tears filled my eyes. 

After a massive shift in the conversation, a smile crept across that tiny face 

and another hug to assure of love and value. 

Prayers for peace, healing & hope. 

As I left the room I made my way to the couch and just sat. Thinking. Praying. 

I was quickly reminded of these lyrics - 

"How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure"

How deep His love! I find solace in the fact that outside of the Father's love, we are all left longing for more. The only TRUE LOVE is found in Him and His love can surpass and heal ALL missed or just misplaced love in our lives. Broken can be made beautiful in Him! Although He gives us people to fulfill the need for companionship and human bond 

here on earth, our greatest need is Him. 

I am time and time again humbled and tonight is the greatest humbling moment yet, that God would allow us to meet these little ones in their broken places and love them. 

Before our first placement began I read a quote that I took as our motto and how true it is...

" We don't strut into their stories with capes on our shoulders, we crawl into them with the Cross on our backs." (jasonjohnsonblog.com)

I think this quote could be applied to many situations. 

In what situation could you trade in your cape for a cross? 

How many of your relationships are struggling or strained because you desire to be loved in a way that must come from the Father first?

All of our fulfillment and deepest love should come from God, first.

The spouse, children, grandchildren, extended family and friends are just bonus blessings, 

He blesses us with and when we keep it in that order, we can feel whole & complete. 

Not receiving love in the way we desire from another human can no doubt be hurtful, but James 1:4 says, "So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

Those things in the line above, they come from God and God alone! 

#thesehardthingsareworthit #whitakerkrew

What.A.Year!!

Happy New Year!  I literally CAN NOT BELIEVE it is 2020?! 

My New Year's Eve festivities would not make most folks' wish list, but I'm perfectly fine with them... Overseeing 5 little people make their own pizza, making bottles and snuggling a 6th little one, the washer & dryer spinning all night, suds in the sink & dishwasher and getting an update that my favorite guy is heading back home after leading worship at a New Year's Eve service... these are a few of the things that made up my "wild night"!  


It's weird how we often get in auto-pilot with our answers or conversations. Mark & I were talking about this happening and I even heard the same scenario play out with our kiddos, that folks make such cliche comments about the ending year and we in turn answer in the same way. In our case, on more than one occasion it was said, yeah, it was a good year. Umm, reality check?! We had a tough year. In fact, I'd definitely say it has been one of the toughest years of our 14+ years together and most certainly the toughest year of our kiddo's lives. Most everything about 2019 feels like a struggle. Like a constantly dripping faucet or a cold wind that cuts right through you and doesn't seem to let up. In many ways it feels like a punch in the gut, and we seemed to get hit again each time after finally pushing ourselves back to standing. From health, to ministry to family life and so much in between...it's been tough!


I'm a complete romanticist. I want everything to always end well. To be peaceful and complete. To be wrapped in a bow and not just the curling ribbon kind of bow, I'm talking about wide, wired ribbon that makes a statement, kind of bow. Haha!  There are a number of things in my life that aren't wrapped in a perfect bow as the calendar flips to 2020 and time marches along and if I let it, it can really be unsettling. But then I look back to remind myself of God at work in our lives through some incredibly emotional and bleak moments of the past 365 days. In fact, I see how He carried me through so many of these days and even when I was walking on my own, I was never alone. He was there. In every moment I thought I had it figured out, as well as those that terrified me to think of a second ahead of where I was at that instant. 


God has specifically shown Himself to be Jehovah Rapha & Jehovah Jireh to our family throughout 2019! And as we walk into this new year, Jehovah Nissi is who we're leaning on. He has given strength that was literally un-human. He brought life back into Mark's body when things looked dim. He provided when we welcomed His little ones into our home as well as when resources have been stretched thin and so many times in between. He gave prophetic words over our children even as they walked through deep places of confusion & worry.  He filled us over and over again and continues to fill us with hope in His plan that can not be sent off course by any type of opposition! 


2019 - foster care, school struggles, lung cancer, 100% blockages, hip replacement, no place for you, too much blood loss, I'll always be your Mommy, sternal wound infection, not out of the woods, tantrums, new higher payment, home health, drug baby, bills, new normal, what next? - a few of the words and phrases we wrestled with throughout the past year.   

Romans 5:3 - We can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials for we know that they help us develop endurance. - Isaiah 43:31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run  and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. 

The year of 2019 was a year of immense spiritual warfare. Warfare brings scars, loss and pain, but it brings growth like nothing else can, tenacity, friendships, opportunities & new plans for the future when the landscape around has changed from the battle at hand. My humanity hopes for a year of peace & calm you know the Silent Night kind of atmosphere...of course I always kind of laugh inside at that song...what first night with a new baby is ever silent? (or any of the nights for the following weeks...haha!) Don't get technical on me - I know what the song is implying, but my thoughts here are - "Silent Night" literally or just figuratively, either way, I'm trusting that the lessons learned, doors that have closed, trials we've walked through, mistakes we've had to acknowledge & victories we've been able to sing praises over, will ultimately, propel us into every, single thing He has purposed for 2020 and that these experiences will never be wasted, but will be used for His glory for as long as possible!  Happy New Year, Friends!!  

Getting ready...

It's late. I have so many things I'd love to finish before I climb into bed, but I know most will have to wait. I have however been able to check a few things off my to do list...yay! Coming home from five days away, with 7 people is not for the faint of heart. Haha! Amidst my unlit Christmas tree, laundry pile and sink of sippy, travel & coffee cups, I just had to take a minute to stop and write. 

My heart is heavy tonight. I have a laundry basket of freshly washed baby clothes, a car seat sitting in our living room and a bassinet ready to be moved into my room. There's a pack a diapers and wipes in the baby bathtub and a can of formula in the cabinet. I have all these things ready, just in case, but tonight I've been wondering if another mom across town has been preparing too?? Foster care is such a roller coaster. You see, sometime soon, the mom of three little ones, that also call me Momma, will be having her 4th baby. She hopes to take this baby home with her. I've been told to be ready for a baby. It's hard to be prepared when you have so many other things that could use your time, energy & finances, but at the same time, how can I not do these things to be "ready"?!  I've often said that foster care causes you to do so many permanent things for such temporary situations - and let me tell you, they are totally worth it! Washing the clothes, collecting things from family or friends and purchasing the vehicle big enough for us all are just small steps to truly being "ready"

My husband often says, that I get myself worked up over things that may not be reality. That the way I think of situations and settings is quite possibly not that way a bio mom or dad may be thinking about the same situations. While this may be true, I know that this mom is wanting her baby to go home with her. But what if that doesn't happen? Does the crib sit empty? Does a car seat get moved to the corner to collect dust? Do tiny baby clothes, hang in the closet just to be surpassed by a rapidly growing babe? If so, for how long and what does it do to that Momma's heart?!  My husband is likely right about many thought processes being different, but this one, this one is tough and my heart aches for the mom facing labor and the uncertainty that will immediately follow. My heart aches for this brand, new life that may not go home to be snuggled near the heartbeat that was the soundtrack of "home" the past 9 months. My heart aches for the situation to be different, but I am not the one that can change that. 

I am not completely powerless though...many moments have been filled with prayers whispered under my breath for this little one that is starting out quite differently from most. Prayers for protection from harm, for a safe delivery, for a smooth transition to whichever home has the honor of welcoming the life just starting out! I can provide love, security and care. I can pray not only for these little ones, but also for the mom or dad that needs to work hard to reunify with their children. 

This situation is not so different from many we face each day. We may be powerless to change the cause of our struggle or challenge, but we aren't actually powerless. God wants to use us to bring hope and healing to every person we meet.  He wants to give us the strength to overlook the hurt or wrong and see the heart. To see what He sees!  
I pray that today, we will seek to see what God sees, love like He loves and open our hearts to whatever He allows to cross our paths!