Strength AND Weakness

There is a psychological syndrome that stands out so vividly from my studies in college. I had never heard of it until that particular day in class and immediately felt like all eyes were on me or like I was in a spotlight when we began studying the ins and outs of this problem. It is known as impostor syndrome.  I know that there are physical challenges and changes that can happen in our brains and/or body systems that cause true & serious mental and psychological diseases. I also fully believe that because of this, satan lies to us and fights a battle in our minds that often causes us to believe we are captive to issues that aren't really there. Please don't misunderstand my point - there are many real, diagnosable mental or psychological diseases that can affect any one of us, just like physical diseases...but unlike physical diseases, the enemy can mask things in our minds because a scan or blood test can not prove or disprove it and cause us to be crippled by what may be, within our minds. 

In no way do I "claim" to have impostor syndrome, but there are times, that the enemy wages a war in my mind that causes me to doubt every positive work, accomplishment or calling God has for my life and family. Many of you have spoken such kind words to me over the course of Mark's illness that have encouraged me and put a smile on my face as I share the things we have seen & felt. We've had the privilege of hearing that others have been challenged in a good way and motivated to keep the faith through troubles they are facing as well. That blesses us and makes me thank Jesus that He is bringing so much good out of this bad situation we've been walking through. There are still days though that I'm overcome with emotions, that I struggle to keep balance, that I don't lay my frustrations at Jesus' feet & don't always think before I speak. 

Those times, cause me to doubt. I ask myself if I've even really felt all the things I've been able to share through this blog. And then, on top of that, I can get down over doubting myself and the work God has done in me through all of this. I often think of and fear, in a good way, being like Jonah. Enduring a major struggle {living in the belly of giant, swimming creature seems pretty overwhelming and then being a part of projectile vomit seems like a pretty rough "rescue"}, then finding a way to complete the task God has in front of you, receiving a reward {huge vine growing up before your eyes to provide you shade and rest}, yet throwing it all away because of wrong attitudes and motives...this is NEVER how I want to live my life.

Yet, when I walk through difficulty, stay strong in faith, and then struggle, I wonder how different am I from Jonah?? Then the enemy piles on the lies and guilt, and feelings of being an impostor flood my mind. As I was reading a devotion earlier today, God gave me a beautiful picture that I hope I can convey to you clearly. My happy place is the beach. I literally feel like I breathe better, I think more clearly & peace flows more freely. I love to watch sea oats and after growing up near the Gulf, I feel obligated to protect them when I see them. Just ask my kiddos how I act if they even get near one...I'm sure they would say I act like a crazy person...haha! Sea oats do a huge job, yet even a gentle breeze can sway them and give them the appearance of being weak. These small stalks though, have roots that do an irreplaceable job. Without these weed-like structures, our beaches would never be able to with stand the continual battering they take from the wind and the waves. 

This morning, God so graciously showed me that being blown, feeling emotions and even struggling to stand is not a failure and certainly not an admission of being an impostor. If my roots are deep in Him, then when my emotions show or my frame becomes weak, I'm able to show my weakness and His strength. He is holding onto my roots because I've allowed them to grow deep in Him and He desires that we do everything we can to keep that growth going deeper and deeper.  There is no limit to the depth we can go in Him. There is a limit to the physical abilities we can accomplish and the length of life we can live on this earth, but there is no limit to what is unseen, to what happens in our quiet place, that only He and I know about. 

If you're swaying in the wind, look within, and check your roots. If they are showing, don't give up and allow yourself to be uprooted and fly away. Focus on your roots and on pushing them deeper into our Maker. When we can be honest about our weakness, He can be stronger in us than we ever thought possible! 

This week is truly an opportunity to put some more depth on our roots.We are hoping and praying that this will be the final week of IV meds for Mark. How will we respond if it isn't? How will we respond if it is? Then there are still several things ahead that we will just have to continue to pray and wait for the answer and the plan. One being the incision that just doesn't want to close. Another, will the pacemaker be necessary or not?  I often pray that I will live with stronger awareness of so many things that God has shown me over the past couple of months & I trust that just as He has kept us and worked through the unexpected, the near death & the unknown for us, He will continue, no matter what may come. A new phase of recovery is on the horizon, and we are thrilled to finally be at this point. We know that cardiac rehab will have it's challenges, but they are worth it for improved physical strength for Mark and knowledge to walk out the future plans God has for us in greater health!

I feel like so many of my endings are the same, but the feelings and heart behind them are always sincere - we are so thankful for all the prayers as well as tangible signs of love and care that have been shown to us. We feel unworthy of it all, but receive it with deep gratitude and pray that the reaping of those seeds sown by so many, will be far greater than imagined! 

40%

The return address on this manilla folder was not legible and I had no idea who sent it or what might be inside. As I pulled these papers out, it felt as if I was seeing our situation for the first time and tears flooded my eyes as I sat in car line. It has been 8 weeks since we first went to the hospital, yet in this moment, it felt like I was hearing all the difficult conversations that had happened over the month of Mark's hospital stay, all over again. 

Often times in the middle of the struggle, you are simply in a position of survival. You don't always view the entire road map, so to speak, just the part currently being traveled. I believe God helps us through painful, dark places this way, but at some point, reality comes. The vantage point shows not only where we are, but where we've been & occasionally a glimpse of what is ahead. This was an intense moment of reality for me. Reality of what has been, reality of what can no longer be, reality of not knowing what could be ahead...but also reality of God's goodness. 

Those realities brought uncontrollable emotions. Three 100% blockages. 100%. That in itself is hard to grasp, plus three more significant blockages just blows my mind. I couldn't help but think of all the "what ifs" and lately, I do this often. In this situation, I believe it's okay. It's proof of God's protection. Just a few days after hearing surgery was our only option for treatment, we faced the immense difficulties of surgery day. Those are still for another day. Some other time when my heart feels more prepared to open up to that, but there were moments of breathlessness, moments of overwhelming questions, moments of waiting upon waiting upon waiting, moments of emotional heaviness that literally became and still does give an actual physical heaviness in my chest. As we tried to settle into home, I felt an uneasiness and as I watched Mark, I knew something was not as it should be. When we returned to the hospital and the ER doc grabbed my shoulder and thanked me for bringing him when I did, I knew this wasn't an ordinary fever/infection. Again, so thankful for what I didn't know at the time, but as we began to feel that we were climbing out of this pit we had fallen into, and more information became available, I realized a bit more why the ER doctor has made that statement to me two weeks prior... 40%. 

40% chance of rain typically means go ahead with your outdoor plans. 

40% battery life on your phone doesn't warrant rushing to plug it in. 

40% off is a decent sale, but it doesn't grab my attention. 

But a 40% mortality rate is HUGE. How can the same percentage have such a different weight?! The type of infection that Mark has been fighting off has a 40% mortality rate. This number sunk deep within me. With all the other complications he has had, I had a moment of just curling up in bed and crying out to God. It wasn't some deep, faith-filled prayer, it was just a cry of heaviness. A cry for help, for peace & for healing. I read something recently though that put a spark in me and can be applied to big and small situations the same...Being certain of the wrong things is what makes faith fall apart, not simply doubt. 

In my moment, I felt doubt about our situation and doubt that I could adequately care for Mark as he needed for proper healing as well as keep up with all the other needs of a household of 7. But what I was certain of in that moment, even with my doubt, was that God would not leave me. That He saw right where I was and exactly what I needed! What's even better is that I was certain that whatever came, God was in control and would work through it all if we allow Him to do so! I love this quote from George Mueller - we say and sing about walks of faith yet so often do everything in our power to fight the "opportunities" we face that could do more for our faith that any sermon or Bible study could ever begin to do!  Be certain of the goodness of God today. You may have doubts about how things can or may turn out, but you can be certain of God's nearness to you, no matter how low the valley may be, how fast the waters may rush around or how dark the night may be. 

We are continuing the walk in the certainty of His goodness and plan for our lives, even when the road ahead is blurry. The ups and downs are visible, but the road we've already traveled gives us assurance of His faithfulness. The past week has brought a very welcome shift. The worry of every feeling "normal" again has lessened as Mark has had several days of feeling more like himself finally. His body reminds him fairly quickly that it's still healing, but he and we, are so thankful for this shift. He is still receiving IV antibiotics daily and we pray that his incision will close back up so that when we see the doctor again at the end of the month, he will not need to continue the IV meds. We simply can't say how blessed we are to have so many folks reminding us daily, that they are standing in faith with us and lifting Mark's name to Heaven for total healing.

We are thankful!

Transparency

Transparency is the quality of being easily seen through or, in a business/work setting, is defined as honesty and openness. I've started to blog recently, numerous times, only to shut my computer and set it aside or even shove it under the bed....why? Because transparency is hard for me. Honesty is not hard. The part about being able to see through, to see what's really going on... that is hard. I am a private person in many regards and in our current situation, it's hard for quite a number of reasons. Openness leads to many more questions, unsolicited opinions & concerned thoughts from others that just bring weight or worry and the problem lies in knowing it's most always well-meaning, precious family or friends reaching out to try to help bear the burden during this time. I find myself wanting to sequester with my little {or not so little} crew for an open-ended amount of time and just be. I know that through all of this, God has been working on me. Makes me think of a song I loved to sing as a little girl - "He's still working on me, to make me what I ought to be..." 

As I've processed through some of my own insecurities and struggles in these areas, I thought about my transparency with God. So often I tell myself that I'm pouring out my heart, but in reality there is some cloudiness to this declaration of "transparency". God knows it all, yet we so often try to sugar-coat or even overlook things that we need to be open and honest with Him about. Just today I read in Obadiah 1:3 "You have been deceived by your own pride". Pride is definitely an area I'd guess that most people have a hard time being transparent about and here is says that this is the very thing that deceives us!  If nothing else, I've certainly noticed my need to more transparent with the One who created me and knows it all already! That brings so much freedom!!  I pray that if you find yourself in a similar place of clouded transparency with God, that today, you will begin to clear your thoughts and conversations with God so that He can also bring an openness and flow of His blessings into your life!  

So in all transparency :) I'm going to share some of what's been going on. This is not a totally transparent account. There are still many moments and thoughts that have happened since July 24th that I'm working through. Processing. Asking God to help me see His goodness and purpose in every difficult moment. Also praying that God will use those situations and help me share them in a way and at a time that He can receive the most glory!  

We've been home {again} for three weeks. In that time we've had five doctor visits, weekly home health visits, weekly medication deliveries, twice daily infusions of IV antibiotics taking 4-7 hours each day, vital signs every morning & evening and that's all just for Mark. We've had to work through some major struggles that our children internalized over the course of this illness as well as some not-so-great habits they created during our time away. We started homeschooling our 6th grader and it has been quite a learning curve for both our now middle schooler and myself. Our foster kiddos came back to us two weeks ago and it has been like starting all over in many ways, except they are comfortable with us and willing to push the limits on most things. They've also had a couple of doctor visits as well as other standing weekly appointments....add homework, kids chores and just the everyday household duties of a family of 7 and some days seem like living in a pressure cooker. We are so thankful to all be back together though and wouldn't change it a bit....well, except for all the laundry ;) I'd be fine with less of that. Hahaha! 

These are the things that are hard for me to share. I'm a bit of a control freak and I admit it...that's the first step to recovery, or so I'm told ;)  I know that sharing this often sparks offers of various help and for a control freak, that's hard. I'm still looking for socks and washcloths that my Littles "helped" put away while Mark and I were gone. Hahaha! I mean, how many places in our house could they be hiding. There are also a number of things I feel I'm behind on completing like thank you cards and homeschool schedule, meal plans and my "summer" clean-out. Then I'm reminded of the scripture that tells me to "be still" - "be still and know that I am God". Not in the sense of kicking back and binge-watching 4 hours of netflix when my kids still need socks or there are boxes of meds waiting to be put away or wet laundry has been in the machine for 6 hours, but just in taking a moment, often throughout each day to breath in Jesus. To refocus on Him and what He needs me to do in that moment. What my family needs in that moment. Not the crazy, plan an activity for two weeks out and make a list of all supplies needed kind of need, just simply what do I need to do today. Since we've been home, I've been starting (most days) praying a prayer I've never prayed before. It's kind of become my focus and theme - "Jesus, help me leave nothing undone today, that YOU desire for me to accomplish." I've noticed a great difference on the days I forget to start by making that declaration over myself and I'm thankful for this little phrase that the Holy Spirit brought to me in this time. Nothing undone! In conjunction I'm striving to be totally transparent with myself and with Him each night on how well I accomplished the "undone".

To wrap up, we've had so many sweet folks, asking for updates and wanting to know what's going on...all the above are largely why I haven't posted yet, but also because we wanted to get through both doctor appointment this week before we passed anything along. So here's a brief health update on what we've been dealing with, or really what Mark has been dealing with - He is slowly getting stronger. SLOWLY...and that part is hard. Patience is hard at times and in a recovery setting can be so discouraging some days. He still doesn't have much feeling except intense pain in his right foot, which makes walking very difficult. We're on some new meds to try to help with this, so just waiting to see the relief they bring. Last week, his incision opened back up. Not a good thing. We have had two doctors look at this and will be seeing another about it this next week. Due to this and some drainage at the incision site, they have extended his IV meds through most of September rather than ending them this coming Monday as originally scheduled. The picc line that he received medication through has begun to give some problems, the worst being a great deal of pain for Mark in the right side of his chest. We are praying that this will settle down so that we can stay at home and continue to use it for the remainder of his time on IV meds. His CT scan of the abscess looked really good in response to the meds so far, and makes this opening of the site so strange, but man are we thankful that the abscess is so much better. Our visit with his cardiologist this week was an overload of information about changes we need to make as a family, plans for cardiac rehab and potentially placing a pacemaker. We are super thankful for him and know that God chose him just for Mark!  I can not express how thankful I am for those that have brought meals during the past three weeks!  It seriously has been the greatest blessing as I've been able to spend time with all the kids in the evening and we've gotten back into some sort of routine. It seems so inadequate, but thank you!  Also, huge thanks to those that have sent cards of encouragement and financial gifts during this time!  You guys have also blessed us tremendously and we honestly pray for God to return the blessing to each of you many times over!  We are thankful for all of your prayers, they do far more than anything any of us could ever do!!  

Overnight

On the afternoon we left our house to "run to the ER", the picture in the IG/FB post was 3 or 4 small vines, wrapping around the bottom of this fencing. When we came home one week ago, the vines had completely covered the entire length of fence multiple times over, grown into the siding on the house and out into the shrubbery in front of the house. Although we were gone for quite some time, the amount of growth and change was remarkable. The vines were so tangled and intertwined that I had to cut the vines from both sides just to free them to be pulled out. These things often seem to take over, overnight. 

Reality is though, the multiplication and growth was happening continuously.  It was overlooked until "suddenly" it had taken over.  Many things in our lives often happen this way... missing a few days of our quiet time, our fitness, our commitment to a healthy lifestyle, our rest, our relationships, our routine and seemingly, suddenly, things are a mess! If we're not careful, the new routine takes over with such ease that we don't even realize the change until it too late for a quick fix. 

Sometimes, it's intentionally choosing other things that entangles us, but sometimes, it's just life that can creep up on you. The cardiac event leading to Mark's surgery, happened just this way.  Sure there were several symptoms along the way, but honestly, we didn't even see them as such.  Anything unusual was brushed off as a side effect of the stress he was under. The first day of July there was a definite "event" that happened and although I was deeply concerned and asked him if we could just find an urgent care (it was our "date day" for our anniversary which had been the day prior), he shrugged it off and said he would just try to rest a bit and see what happened. I chalked it up to an stress brought on by an unexpected message from earlier that day and tried not to worry about it. A little time passed and he said he was feeling better. This event or episode happened again a few nights later and then again once we were home and we decided to have it checked out at the emergency room. After a pricey overnight stay with an echocardiogram & nuclear stress test, the doc on his case gave him a shady answer about the test results, but sent him home to follow-up with his cardiologist. He was placed on a heart monitor for a 30-day observation. We began taking inventory of some things that were symptoms of a problem but we had not even realized it. In fact, we went all the way back to March with one of these episodes.... Less than a week after the heart monitor appointment, we were back in the ER. His heart rate had been high all day and he had felt terrible. He completed his work responsibilities for the day before allowing himself to go home to rest. But rest didn't bring the results we hoped for and his heart rate continued to climb into the 130s while laying down. He felt the company "watching" his heart monitor would call if there was an issue and since they hadn't he kept trying to rest. Finally he had enough and he was probably annoyed at my asking if we could go to the ER so we made arrangements for the kiddos and headed to Gainseville. 

There are so many facets of this trial that allowed more vines to quickly grow and could have lulled us into complacency, but God was so faithful in giving us the right questions to ask and sending the medical professionals we needed at just the right moment. The ER doc tried to convince us that this was stress or a panic attack but thanks to a cardiologist that happened to stop by the ER and just dropped in to see Mark, they decided to keep him overnight for observation again. Total deja vu from just 10 days prior but he went along with it and this time, planned for a heart cath the following day. 

The cath showed 6 blockages. SIX. Three of which were 100% blocked. Our story could end here and God would receive so much glory for keeping him to this point!  I know blockage placement plays a huge role, but there are folks that don't make it with one 100% blockage. Crazy to think that the ER doctor had shrugged his symptoms off as stress, the attending doc less than two weeks prior guessed that what they were seeing was his "normal", in their words, and that the two main tests they had run did not show a major marker of such a serious issue!! 

I'll share more of our hospital stay later, but for now, just know we are home, seeking quiet, rest and healing as well as making up for missed time with our kids. Every day, I give him two IV antibiotics through his picc line. Home health comes about twice a week to check on him. We have multiple doctor's appointments in the coming days to watch his progress in healing from the heart surgery as well as keep a close eye on the abscess. The goal is to do all we can to keep this infection under control and prayerfully shrinking so that there will not be another surgery in the future. We want to be aware of every little vine that may try to shoot up overnight and get rid of everything that doesn't line up with God's purpose and plan for our lives. If you've whispered even one prayer for us, we are overwhelmingly grateful. For all the blessings that so many have given to us during this time, we call on Heaven to multiply that back to you. We also hope that our story will encourage you to assess the vines growing around your life and keep them in check. God gives us the strength to do what seems impossible when we strive to do it in His strength, not our own! 

Clarity

So I know I've thrown up several posts the past day or two that may seem like every single diagnosis has been given to us, so I want to hopefully give some clarity on where we are and how to be unified in prayer with us over the coming days. It's a bit long, so if you just want to know where we are now or how we are praying, then skip to the last three paragraphs ;)

When we came in through the ER Sunday, the initial thought was pneumonia.  Any major surgery comes with a risk for pneumonia, especially a surgery in the chest cavity and the fact that they had to go back to the OR and open him a second time causing more soreness and a decrease in his ability to work his lungs really well. Add the fever and the fact that Mark's lungs were junky prior to surgery, it was a pretty obvious diagnosis, or so we thought. Then, because of the severity of the fever and the results of the x-ray and initial CT scan, then said it was likely sepsis and a milder case of pneumonia. Antibiotics were hung immediately and have been going almost around the clock since Sunday. 

Monday & Tuesday, fevers continued to be persistent and still pretty high which made the doctors question that the diagnosis of pneumonia and sepsis could be causing all the symptoms he was having at the time & not responding in a typical manner to the antibiotics. In the meantime, chest x-rays were being taken every day and labs drawn every 8 or so hours. They also felt the need to check for blood clots in his legs. Late Tuesday evening I noticed drainage from the top of Mark's chest incision. In fact, it worried me because it was mixed with blood, but if you know Mark, those things don't sit well with him so I didn't say anything, but did watch it, and even got up and looked at it during the night. The next morning, I noticed more coming from the surgical site and mentioned it to Mark. Shortly after this, the NP came in and we told her about the drainage, so she proceeded to see what she could get out of it. I'll just leave that there... poor Mark!  

Wednesday, the CT (cardio-thoracic) surgical team called in the Infectious Disease doctors to join the case and see if they had suggestions that could help us all get to the bottom of this. After they visited on Wednesday afternoon, a more detailed CT scan was ordered for that night. The first one on Sunday was looking specifically at the lungs, for pneumonia and blood clots, but this next one was for the entire abdomen and chest cavity. 

Thursday morning started by finding out that the blood clot test revealed a small clot that they will watch, but it is not in the deep vein, which is a very good thing. They also talked about their concern for the portions of both lower lungs that are basically collapsed and need to be worked to prevent from pneumonia. Then the NP for the CT team came in and gave us the results of the CT which definitely threw us. She said a mass of fluid had been found under his sternum which would likely mean a trip to the OR. In an attempt to process and understand what this would entail I asked, "do you mean like major surgery?" To which she responded, well it won't be like we're working on his heart..." Again, not what I wanted to hear, but I then understood she meant to open his chest for a third time. Our minds & hearts were reeling. All we could do was cry and pray. Mark said, please get people praying. And you did. And we can't express our gratitude. We had several hours of heaviness and emotion, but the peace of God truly came and filled our room, our hearts our minds. Just before lunch time, the CT surgeon came in with the NP as promised and we anxiously listened to every word he said, but there was a lot going on in the room. They began setting up for a bedside procedure to pull fluid from his chest to send off for a 48 hour culture. This was an absolute answer to prayer in that moment. Taking time to figure out what's in there as well as just time to process through prayer what could be, was what we needed. (Friday morning we were told they may wait for a 5-day culture before making a decision on surgery)

Later Thursday, the Infectious Doctor (ID) came back to visit and shared her thoughts and spent time just sitting with us and answering questions. We are thankful for the time she spent with us. So here's where things are... the fluid that was collected is from quite a large mass behind the sternum and was sent to the lab for cultures. The problem lies in that fact that he has been on strong antibiotics for 5 days already and the likelihood of something growing is slim. This is a septic infection that is responding to the antibiotics as it should. The problem is that this is basically an abscess and like an abscess in the mouth or on your skin, antibiotics will lessen or remove symptoms while you are taking them, but when the antibiotics end, the infection returns and you're back where you started. Typically, the entire abscess has to be removed to fully clear the problem and her greatest concern is that if it remains the bone itself could become infected causing far greater problems. We asked for another CT at the end of the culture time frame, just to see what things look like before making a surgical decision & she agreed that would likely be warranted. The CT surgical team has not had the same thought process on treatment as the ID team, so this is something they will have to discuss over the next couple of days. We are praying they will be on exactly the same page with the best treatment for Mark, because it will be God's plan, not just their education that leads them to his treatment!

We are asking God to supernaturally remove the fluid/mass/abscess. We are thankful they did not rush him into surgery and as much as we DO NOT want another surgery, we even more want to go home and stay home.  We do not want to go home just to have the infection rage again and us end up having to come back. Here's how we are praying and we ask that you join us in a unified prayer: 
God, we know that in an instant you spoke and everything we see came into existence, so we know that you don't need time, but for Your glory, would you supernaturally remove this fluid in the waiting. Whether the culture shows growth or not, let the CT scan show the mass gone. Let it baffle every person that lays eyes on the scans. Give us opportunity to share of your love and power at work in our lives! Please strengthen and encourage Mark as we wait. Help us take captive every thought that doesn't line up with healing and the hope of Heaven. Fill us with the mind of Christ. Give us rest in our minds and bodies. Healing for the blood clot. Healing for the lungs that are not wanting to function as your created them to do. Healing for every point of pain from the surgeries. Healing for our emotions. And blessing on every person that has called out our names in prayer, prepared a meal, loved on our babies or given to help us through this time. In the powerful, name of Jesus. AMEN!

My cousin texted her favorite verse, Exodus 14:14 to me last night. It is one of my favorites as well and one that I use often with my children. "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still!"  This is true clarity. Recognizing there is a battle, but relinquishing control to the One who holds the universe in His hands! Whatever battle you may be facing today is not outside the realm of His control - but only when you release your control over it. Situations like we are in right now cause us to feel totally helpless and out of control but can also help us readily see His ability, because we literally have to sit in an 8x10 room and wait. Everyday life can be tougher though. We want control. We want to fix situations or make them happen on our time frame... Whatever bump, hill or mountain you are facing - stop, be still and let God fight the battle for you. He will strengthen your frame to stand up to the "life" that flies your way, while He fights the battle! Be encouraged, Friends! 

What a response...

I would guess that if you're reading this, it's because you've heard that Mark is back in the hospital. Let me tell you, we are truly humbled at so many people praying with and for us, checking in through social media and phone. It is a true blessing to be connected to so many wonderful people! 

It is tough to keep everyone "up to date" so to speak and although we prefer to keep health situations private, I'm going to share with you all that's going on right now. We know the power of two or three agreeing and we have that already, but we need to take it to another level. We are speaking to these situations with the authority of Christ living in us and would love for you to join us in this. 

I know I still haven't really shared what brought us here to begin with, and I will, but some other time. Saturday night Mark started feeling really awful. He spiked a fever and we were up about every 10-15 minutes for almost the entire night. I really wanted to take him to the ER when I got the first 103.1 temp, but he declined. The next day, Sunday, was Trenton's birthday and Mark was worried about ruining the plans we had for him in celebration of this special day. He tried to be a tough guy and held out until candles were blown out and presents were opened. I know that deep down he was hoping for some vast improvement, but when I checked his temp at this point it was well over 102. We arrived at the ER around 4p Sunday afternoon and they quickly moved him to Trauma 7. Things moved quickly, hard questions were asked...hard for me to hear, but I knew the seriousness of the situation. Labs, blood cultures, x-ray & CT scan were all done in record time. The ER doctor said after his first brief exam and a temp of 103 again, "he will 1000% be admitted". He then put his hand on my shoulder and said, "thanks for bringing him in". 

He is currently in ICU in the cardiac area. His surgeon saw us mid-morning Monday and said, "The diagnosis, for now, is pneumonia and sepsis. But to be totally honest, I don't fully know what we're dealing with, because the labs & x-ray finding don't fully match up. We will figure this out though." He's had many lab sticks, more x-ray, tests for blood clots in his legs & help from respiratory therapy. We do know there is fluid around his heart, more than should be a week post-open heart surgery. There is also fluid around his lungs and very decreased lung sounds, similar to a partially collapsed lung on his left side, and some findings consistent with pneumonia. Two broad, yet strong IV antibiotics have been being pumped alternately, almost around the clock, since we came in. His fever is not quite as high, but he is not responding to these antibiotics like you typically would. He also received a blood transfusion yesterday and may get another today. He is weak and irritable. If you've been around him very long, you've probably heard the phrase, "I'm over it!" hahahaha, and he is definitely  over all of this. He mostly feels like sleeping and is having a tough time staying awake. Any noise or talking are not his friends - it's like every sound is amplified, so I try to speak very softly. I'm also using extra measures to cut down on germs. LOTS of hand-washing and hand sanitizer as well as not really leaving his room much to minimize my exposure to germs in the hospital.

A few days ago, I started reading Joel. I don't always read through all the "extras" that my Bible has in introducing a new book of the Bible...just depends on what I'm studying at the moment. I'm still early in my digging into this book because, well sleep deprivation, ain't no joke!  ;)  I can thankfully say that Monday night (the night I'm writing this) I slept from about 12:30 until about 3:30, straight! It was heavenly! But back to Jesus...Joel prophesied to the Israelites in the middle of a catastrophe that threatened their very existence on the earth. Here is Joel, and just like today, there are two very polar perspectives on suffering and they are not dependent on the setting, just on the mindset of the sufferers. When the pressure is turned up and struggles loom larger than life, we usually respond one of two ways...and honestly I don't like the extremes, but I find it true in most any situation:
      1. We turn to God and are brought into a deeper more intimate, even new, relationship with Him. Here we learn more about His character and discover new facets of His ability and love. 
or 
      2. We turn away. We blame Him or others for the situation we have found ourselves in and if we're not careful, we doubt His existence. 

It's a hard reality to accept that if, in the midst of chaos or hell on earth, we are not entering a new relationship with Him, it's likely we have turned away.  We can soften this or we can face it head on. Mark & I (and our families) are facing each moment of this incredibly difficult time in our lives as growth, new relationship and opportunity for God to doing big, new things in and through us! It doesn't matter if your "suffering" is big to someone else or not, if it is difficult for you, then God cares and it's an opportunity for growth! 

I will declare that God is Jehovah Rapha. That God is in control. That God has not and will not abandon us. That God did not bring this suffering on Mark, but that He sure can work through it. That we will walk out of this in a new season of relationship with Him, with a deeper love & respect for each other, with more grace, gentleness & time for our children, and with a greater passion & purpose in our ministry! 

Thank you for praying!!   

Blurry

Remember pictures before the iPhone and digital cameras?  You never knew what you would get and often things came out blurry. Yet, we kept so many of the pictures because it was a memory, a special time that we captured on film. The past couple of days are blurry. It's been hard to focus on what day it is or even if it's day or night the past 36 hours. Hard to focus because of the strain of uncertainty and the fears that want to creep in, you know all the "what if" fears. Hard to focus because today's two and a half hour nap was the most sleep I've gotten, at one time, in an unknown number of days... But I don't want to forget these days. There are absolutely parts of them that I pray will fade into forgotten, but others that I want to remember for ever because I've seen God at work in amazing ways....Because we made vows to each other in marriage and those are being tested and through faithfulness to that, God is binding our hearts even closer....Because there are lessons to be learned through every single situation we face.

The past 24 hours have been tough. Mark is improving, but challenges continue to arise.
His BP is low and heart rate is high. That alone makes him feel crummy without having just been opened up twice in one day! He has had some minor bleeding issues that began just before bed last night and have continued off and on all day. He has been having an allergic reaction to one of his meds causing him to swell in his face, hands & feet. His lung sounds have been decreased. He spiked a fever tonight and has been going from extremely hot to freezing cold. They also found some previously unknown electrical issues within his heart that we're told are not causing any issue right now, but definitely something to watch. Pain meds typically lower BP so they have been quite hesitant to give him full doses and who wants that to happen two days post-op??!!  All-in-all, just a tough day.

We believe these are just obstacles that the enemy has put in out path. So we will continue to fight back against him and watch all things blurry come into view and Jesus makes a way for total healing with minimal pain from this moment on. I want to say to every person reading this, thank you for taking the time to follow-along and lift us up in prayer. Thank you to every person that has helped, in any way - meals, groceries, activities for our kids, taking care of all our kids - keep our home running.  We haven't heard any talk of a discharge date at this point, but are hopeful to hear something soon.