Monday, August 2, 2010

The blog lives!

I can't believe it's been two months since I blogged!! I wrote this blog about a month ago and just couldn't finish it, so I saved it and have finally returned & finished it......
.....obviously the news about our addition is totally out now and tomorrow we will find out if it's a boy or girl! Or if Trenton is correct in saying-"it's 2 babies Daddy!"

" I have wanted to blog, but it's been a busy month, so I chose to take a little time off. Another reason being, that we've been sick off and on. If you haven't heard yet, most of my sickness has been from our precious baby that has been developing over the past 3 1/2 months. We are expecting a little brother or sister at the end of January!! There has been so much going on in our world the last couple of months that we decided it was best to wait a while to let the news out.
Of course, there's not much hiding it now... ;)

Although this was unexpected, I started having a suspicion that I may be pregnant the first week Mark was in the hospital. Once I found out for sure I still waited to tell him - he had a lot going on at that time! I wanted to keep it a secret until Father's Day (we were supposed to be on vacation), but he started asking questions several days before and I just couldn't not tell him. God knew what was ahead, because Mark ended up back in the hospital and Father's Day was most definitely not a good day for him! I was beginning to feel so sick and pretty tired and so it helped that he knew I wasn't just tired of taking care of him!

There were some pretty rough days for me in the hospital... not just the throwing up & early pregnancy stuff, but the fear of what might happen through all he [Mark] had to go through. It's one thing to look at your Father/son/brother in his position - trying to be strong and have faith, yet being human and having the thoughts of what if's... It's completely different when it's your husband! When my dad had a heart attack and was facing open heart surgery, I remember thinking "what would I do without my dad?", "who will walk me down the aisle when I get married?", "will I ever get that Dad hug that makes you feel safe?" But this time, seeing my love, my other half, my best friend lying there and having all the scenarios buzzing through my brain was at times a burden that I felt too much to bear. All the thoughts of having my whole world change before my eyes and so early in our marriage, as well as having the joy of a new baby overshadowed by my overwhelming fear that I would be traveling that road alone...Those thoughts & emotional struggles made for some really long nights and tense days. It was most definitely a battle to remind myself, that God's word is always true and He doesn't lie nor is it just a 'feel-good' verse that says, "ALL things work together for good...." It was tough not being able to talk to my Mom about all that I was feeling emotionally...I had never thought of her feelings being different than mine during my Dad's time in the hospital. I didn't want to say anything in front of Trenton and sometimes always having people around made it tough to sneak away and call her. I was so blessed to meet a couple of ladies (through FB) who have been through the same situation and they were such an encouragement to me in this area. Thank you!

Not even exactly sure why I felt the need to blog such deep, emotional feelings from this past summer, but it was real, it was a part of what went on and it's something that Mark and I have finally talked about. It was hard to have such deep thoughts and not be able to share them with him, but as time has gone on and God has continually strengthened him and life has returned to our own sort of normal ;) I felt like opening up that aspect of our situation to him. It was incredibly encouraging to hear people talk about being encouraged through our trial, our faith, ect, but I guess I just wanted to open up to the 'darker side' of all that I experienced, because I, nor Mark, are super human or invincible and we most definitely had our weak moments.

I don't believe God causes any bad thing to happen, but I do believe He allows things to happen. I also don't believe in ignoring the reality of any situation we may find ourselves in the midst of just because we are Christian and have faith. I believe that faith doesn't deny reality, but it acknowledges God in the midst of reality. Because of my struggles, I was able to really call on God for my strength. I was honest with Him about my fears and the things I couldn't understand. I think we can see that a lot in David's life and God called Him a man after His own heart. David wasn't afraid to ask God the tough questions. He never doubted but He did open up about everything He felt and experienced and through that, God showed him so much! I want to be someone that truly chases hard after God and is not afraid to be raw before Him.

I hope this has only brought encouragement to people struggling with emotions that some might say, doubt God. We are all human. When we begin a relationship with Christ, we don't become some psuedo-human....we still have our same emotions, we just have to give them to God and let Him be the One to walk us or even carry us through the tough times!

Resiliency can't come from our own strength or abilities it can only come from God!


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