The Highlight Reel    

I would assume, that we've all been guilty, at times, of only sharing the highlight reel of our lives.  You know how it goes... posting a photo of something amazing but cropping out the 'ugly' before sharing, or documenting a great family experience when there was actually some pretty thick tension in the live feed of the moment. Maybe you've been guilty of allowing that green monster of jealousy to settle in as you swipe through friends' vacation album. Or maybe you've zoomed in to the background of a photo to see what a friend or family member's home looks like or what they have...  

I wrote a bit ago that I wanted {or needed} to use this platform to share about our experiences surrounding foster care / adoption.  This is a tough blog to write. The insecurity and apprehension about our reality is real.  One of our children has a disorder called RAD - stands for Reactive Attachment Disorder and it's the most confusing, frustrating, difficult behavior pattern to deal with (IMO).  Our entire life outside of our home most often feels like being forced to show a highlight reel and restrained from being able to be real - somewhat opposite of what we choose to do through social media, yet equally damaging. Not allowed to be transparent. Forced to stay silent. Forced to smile and pretend everything is great. We as parents feel it so deeply, but so do our other 6 children. I know the controversy over sharing things about your adoptive kids. Folks say it's their story to tell - while I understand where that opinion comes from, the truth is, this is OUR story currently. The reasoning for RAD has nothing to do with us, but it now affects EVERY aspect of our lives! It affects our other children deeply. We need the support, through prayer and words of encouragement, especially to the siblings of our child with RAD! If a biological child had a sickness or issue, you rarely hear parents say that it's their story to tell - so, we share for encouragement, for prayer, for relationship and for the freedom to be real. Here's a small glimpse of what's on my lately...

Recently we've entered a new phase of parenting our child with RAD. Behaviors aren't as subtle, lies aren't covert any more, incidents are no longer sporadic, but daily. We've noticed a particular increase in false accusations, unhealthy behaviors and disobedience.  We have so many wonderful, well-meaning friends that are loving on our RAD child, and we are thankful, yet it's creating a web of manipulation and increase in negative behaviors. I am praying as I type that my heart would be seen and heard and that God would direct all of our words and actions towards her to point her in the direction of true, deep relationship with Jesus first, us as her parents next, her siblings and then all of the other fantastic family & friends in our circle! 

Recently, I had a conversation with our daughter about her destructiveness, mean behaviors to siblings, daily lying and even stealing (yes, I know.... most folks reading this would be scratching their heads and trying to figure out if someone else has taken over my blog because it seems so ludicrous).  The question that I needed to ask had been on my mind for weeks and I guess I had chosen not to ask because I was wanting to stay in the dark about the answer I felt she might give.  One night recently after an especially challenging 24-36 hours, I just decided it was time. The question was asked, "What is it? Or is there anything in this world that would make you want to stop lying and/or stealing?" I went on to explain that I was asking if there was anything that would be so undesirable that it would motivate a shift in mindset and create a desire to do right (be honest and trustworthy).  I knew the potential answers and even felt like I might know what might be said, yet I was still so saddened by the answer - a very matter-of-fact "Nothing."  I tried to go deeper and explain more - like Honey, what if it meant you could prevent a terrible sickness like cancer in your body (not that sickness is that simple but trying to dig deep into the thoughts & heart)? Nope. What if not changing meant losing contact with your biological brothers? Nope. What if it meant keeping our family safe? Nope. What if it meant choosing Heaven; choosing goodness, mercy, forgiveness, peace, joy and freedom from all the trauma? Nope.  

Not going to lie, it crushed my heart. But the answer to the next question I asked, hurt my heart even more.... "What do you suggest we do for you? How do we respond to hearing that you have no desire to do right or quit these behaviors that hurt and are negatively impacting our family?"  "I guess I can just leave. I'll just live with ***** (the name of a classmate she has never mentioned previously). Or I can just go find someone else to live with."  Talk about a punch to the gut!  We are more than 4.5 years into relationship with each other. She has lived in our home for far, far longer than anywhere she had ever lived before! To hear that she does not feel attached to us as her parents, her siblings, or even her biological siblings that she lived life with prior to us, was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever tried to wrap my head around. 

We need prayer for direction. We need prayer for our daughter. We need prayer for our other 6 children that daily experience such hard situations due to one child. We need prayer for our marriage and family to remain strong. We need prayer for spiritual growth to take place and for breakthrough. RAD can not be managed like typical neglect situations and we ask for support for our family, though it will not look like you think it should.  We have to keep her circle very small. We have to control every aspect of her life in an effort to make her feel safe enough to begin to trust us as her parents. This is soooo often misunderstood. Folks see her as missing out or being treated differently. We catch the looks of confusion of people around us.  As hard as it is, everything has to go through us so she can begin to see us as her family. 

A few Sunday's ago (prior to our convo above) as I was leading More Than Able, a song I have sang and played over her, literally countless times, I became overwhelmed with emotions. Emotions of why? Why haven't You done a work in her life yet, God? Are You going to do the miracle we've been praying for and believing You for? Will we ever see her in a place of mental health and wholeness? Will she beat the odds of a 70% chance of adult life on the streets or incarcerated?  I very clearly felt that Holy Spirit nudge to listen and look... What I saw and heard has given me such a sweet sense of calm.  While I fully believe and still plead for healing for my child, there is the factor of her will and desire to receive the Lord's healing and help. BUT, while He is at work in her life, He is equally More Than Able to sustain me as her Mama!  I am more than able to walk this path with grace and endurance. Our marriage doesn't have to be strained by this! Our children don't have to grow up with massive damage emotionally or physically because God is more than able to grow in them through this!  I've read that God's calling will crush you and I'd say I've lived that a few times over already. Yet, this situation makes all the others seem so simple. It is crushing, but in the crushing He is there! He is at work! The amazing thing about our Father is that while the crushing of life, the effects of sin, difficulty, etc is happening, He is simultaneously at work rebuilding all that the enemy is trying to use to destroy us. I'm praying we allow the weight to push out everything that doesn't resemble Christ and that as He makes us more like Him, our children will grow closer to Him and His calling for their lives! We said yes to her, knowing her diagnosis, because we know Jehovah Rapha. Our prayer is that although the past has happened and was out of her control, the future will be determined by who she chooses to follow and we would love for you to join us in prayer that she chooses Jesus!!!

Hard Places

 I, probably like others out there, naively believed that consistent love and structure could "fix" the traumas of foster care & adoption.  That becoming part of a healthy, Christian, family would {certainly} not eliminate all past hurts and unhealthy life experiences, but that it would do most of the work of bringing about that healing. We've had quite a rude awakening!  

I am diving in deep with this post, and want to preface it by saying that love and structure are a huge part of the environment required to experience deep, meaningful, forever change.  But what about when those positive, consistent factors are in place and things just get worse?  What do we do then?  How do we move forward when the foundation we felt we needed, is not holding up the weight of the life we are living? 

This has been our experience. This is what we are walking through now, actually. Our story is not as common as many adoption stories.  Most folks, even those that adopt many children, do it over a period of time. I know this is a big factor in the weightiness of our struggles.  We went from two children to five, then 7.5 months later, six children, then just a year later, without any warning, added a seventh . So in less than two years we went from two to seven. Let me tell you, that's a huge learning curve!    Add in early life trauma, foster-care trauma (the trauma of being removed from your "normal" and then the shock of realizing it was very much NOT normal), missed diagnosis of an emotional/behavioral disorder, autism, drug addiction and withdrawals at birth, then a medically fragile & heavily drug-exposed baby... most assuredly a situation where ignorance was bliss and had we known, what we know now, we might have missed God's calling to this life because we very likely, would not have said yes.  On top of our youngest five's struggles, we went through a major medical event with Mark's heart surgery and near-death experience. My heart aches as I think of the struggles Trenton & Kamdyn experienced through all of this change and uncertainty. Even as I type it all, I have erased and retyped it, because it seems like too much. 

My first reaction is to want to cover it up and just "forget it" not replay the hard stuff; but this is a story, still being written, of God's immeasurable goodness in our lives! A story of the faithfulness of our Father and Friend who is still at work and still able to breathe life into the dark, traumatic places of each of our hearts. Especially for our Littles, who entered our lives having experienced more pain, heartache, neglect and abuse than you can imagine possible in such a short lifetime. Something I have learned so far, is the power of speaking life. Of telling and retelling how God has been so powerful in our lives. I believe that our testimony is and will continue to be a huge part of healing! That remembering and sharing the plan and work of God, in our family, will increase our faith and help bring healing that simply loving and teaching could not bring about... And in the process, it will encourage someone else who is shuffling along with their hands held in front of them because they can't see what's ahead - I understand because many of my days also feel that way. You know how when you suddenly walk from a very light place into a place with little to no light? How even when you should know the layout of the space, you feel uncertain about what's in front of you and fearful of stumbling? Let me shout it out, THAT IS THE ENEMY! That is why I love sharing. Often times it's may just be for me... but reminding myself of God's faithfulness is so powerful!! Looking back to see how He truly did go before us and even when we felt/feel like we're walking in utter darkness, He is there!  That is powerful and so comforting!

So how are we wading through this thick, swampy, path of parenting children from hard places and with much baggage, some even with trauma before birth?  We're making many mistakes - asking for forgiveness - doing our best to be real and authentic - striving to model living our life for God and His plans and purposes for our life and being quick to point out how He blesses us as we trust Him - seeking Godly counseling - building a circle of family & friends who quite literally "hold my arms up" as we push back against the darkness that has tried to attach itself from such an early age - speaking life - praying - crying - trusting God to be our strength & asking Him to fill in the gaps where we miss the mark! 

 A Day In The Life.... A Start

It's been on my mind for some time to do a little writing about some of our highs and lows in foster care + adoption. Maybe it's to process my own struggles, maybe it's to help process theirs, maybe it's to recognize all the good and joy and success, because so many days feel like everything opposing those traits. Or maybe it's to stir up hearts to find their place in the whole messed up, mixed up yet beauty for ashes world of foster care and adoption. I know there is sometimes controversy over what is shared. - if you feel that way, you don't have to read on. While there are certainly parts that are private and for my children to share if and when they choose. However, many of the struggles they came to us with have so deeply impacted our family, our home life, our relationships and are so intricately intertwined into our lives, that it's part of all of us. 

There is one thing that is certain for me - I feel like there is no way I could have ever seen or experienced the awe & depth of God adopting us into His family, like I have in this journey. It literally brings me to tears, right now, at 2am and 4.5+ years into this life.

For those who may not know our beginning in foster care, we had discussed it from time to time, and always said, one day we should do that.... In 2017 our precious, direct, children heard us discussing it and said "Well if you feel like God is putting this thought in your mind, what are you waiting for?! Just do it!" That was just the reality check we needed. If God said it, just do it!! We began the process shortly after that but weren't fully licensed until January or February 2019. We had multiple 'almost' placements but didn't officially become a foster family until April 18th, 2019. We picked up three little children from a local daycare with ONE wal-mart bag - that was everything for all three of them... let the first heartbreak begin! The one pair of clothes they had, the one on their little bodies, were mostly way too large and the shoes on their feet were nowhere near the needed size for any of them. One child, in response to the trauma of entering foster care, did not speak more than 5 words to us in 24 hours and ate about the same number of bites. It was the most unnerving thing I think I'd ever done. And I was a "kid-person"! Like 10 years of children's ministry and at least 10 years of having a childcare business, plus a mama of two!

On our way to pick them up I received an "oh, by the way" text that informed us that the 3 year old was "non-verbal". That's a pretty big deal and something we felt should have been discussed. Nevertheless, we opened our hearts and home and let the journey begin!

4.19.19 - Our first car ride together with FIVE children 

Walk By Faith??

I've been asking myself this question a lot lately. Well, at least thinking about it A LOT!

The beginning of this new season of our lives has been a scrambled, 

unpredictable forecast with seemingly every season represented. 

There really is some comfort in knowing that if it's summer, 

we may not love the heat, but we can certainly know how to plan for it. 

When winter comes, we know that boots and sweaters should be readily available. 

But when spring looks like winter and winter feels like the blazing heat of summer, 

it brings a sense of confusion and uncertainty. 

These feelings don't exactly foster a strong walk by faith. 

 We sing about praising in the valley or on the mountain, and while I'm a HUGE proponent of speaking it before we feel it, see it or even truly believe it, we're typically singing those lyrics when we're not in a true valley. Oh but when we get there..... 

it's often not a lack of belief but a weariness, a worried mind, 

an unknowing or a fearful heart that causes our faith to wane. 

Just 10 days ago, Mark had surgery to have an internal defibrillator and pacemaker placed. 

To the medical professionals and possibly many others, 

this is probably a fairly routine, an uneventful procedure. 

For me, a person who doesn't struggle with anxiety, 

it brought mountains of anxiety. 

Like, Mt. Everest sized worry and fear. 

And yes, I know all the verses, all the phrases, 

...perfect love casts out fear, fear not, cast all your cares on Him.... 

They are all 100% truths. 

Yet, I still found myself literally crippled with worry in some moments. 

You see, less than 4 years ago he had open heart surgery. Triple bypass. 

And things went well - until they didn't. 

About 2 hours after the end of surgery he began losing blood at a life threatening rate.

In the rush to save his life and get him back in the OR to find the source of blood loss, 

he contracted a sternal wound infection. With just a 40% survival rate, there were some very uncertain and difficult days. This was the deepest valley I had walked through. 

While he was also in the valley, it was such a different journey for him. Being barely conscious for many consecutive days, his experience was quite different than mine. 

The same for this most recent surgery and the mental weight leading into it. 

It was a crazy PTSD kind of emotion. It brought me to a new place of empathy for those that experience this regularly. It also gave some perspective on how we casually say, "trust Jesus".  

While my hope is fully in the maker of Heaven & earth, my human nature felt the emotional toll of life on this earth. I questioned how well I was walking by faith. Was I really doing that? 

Or was I just walking? Just getting by...just doing what had to be done?

And sometimes - you just gotta get through something. We all do it. I've been talking to one of my children about this very thing when it comes to algebra. You just have to get through it. 

And honestly, in many situations, you can do it, with or without Jesus. 

Unbelievers do it every day. But why would you do it without Him? 

For me, getting through it in faith is admitting that I'm struggling. 

Admitting that my heart believes in the goodness and love of Christ, while acknowledging that I am still human and my head reminds me of the dangers in this life. 

The challenge lies in balancing these two. 

One of many life-altering realizations in my life was learning that God is not afraid of my questions, doubts, concerns or weaknesses. In fact, I can't think of anyone in Scripture that did these things more than David and he was given the title of a "man after God's own heart". 

Learning how to recognize these struggles in my life, acknowledge them without accepting them and then freely communicate them to Christ has truly strengthened my walk of faith. 

I don't claim to know all the answers but I do know the One who does. 

There is deep peace and comfort, even when my humanity is quivering because of my realities, in knowing that God will give me what I need, in the moment of true need. 

That is walking by faith.

If you made it through my lengthy post after years of silence on this platform, 

I hope you are encouraged to be real with God. 

He already knows your deepest feelings, 

in fact better than you... 

but He desires honesty and relationship, communication, from us. 

Don't give up! Keep walking in faith! 

He = we {followers of Christ} win in the end!