Walk By Faith??

I've been asking myself this question a lot lately. Well, at least thinking about it A LOT!

The beginning of this new season of our lives has been a scrambled, 

unpredictable forecast with seemingly every season represented. 

There really is some comfort in knowing that if it's summer, 

we may not love the heat, but we can certainly know how to plan for it. 

When winter comes, we know that boots and sweaters should be readily available. 

But when spring looks like winter and winter feels like the blazing heat of summer, 

it brings a sense of confusion and uncertainty. 

These feelings don't exactly foster a strong walk by faith. 

 We sing about praising in the valley or on the mountain, and while I'm a HUGE proponent of speaking it before we feel it, see it or even truly believe it, we're typically singing those lyrics when we're not in a true valley. Oh but when we get there..... 

it's often not a lack of belief but a weariness, a worried mind, 

an unknowing or a fearful heart that causes our faith to wane. 

Just 10 days ago, Mark had surgery to have an internal defibrillator and pacemaker placed. 

To the medical professionals and possibly many others, 

this is probably a fairly routine, an uneventful procedure. 

For me, a person who doesn't struggle with anxiety, 

it brought mountains of anxiety. 

Like, Mt. Everest sized worry and fear. 

And yes, I know all the verses, all the phrases, 

...perfect love casts out fear, fear not, cast all your cares on Him.... 

They are all 100% truths. 

Yet, I still found myself literally crippled with worry in some moments. 

You see, less than 4 years ago he had open heart surgery. Triple bypass. 

And things went well - until they didn't. 

About 2 hours after the end of surgery he began losing blood at a life threatening rate.

In the rush to save his life and get him back in the OR to find the source of blood loss, 

he contracted a sternal wound infection. With just a 40% survival rate, there were some very uncertain and difficult days. This was the deepest valley I had walked through. 

While he was also in the valley, it was such a different journey for him. Being barely conscious for many consecutive days, his experience was quite different than mine. 

The same for this most recent surgery and the mental weight leading into it. 

It was a crazy PTSD kind of emotion. It brought me to a new place of empathy for those that experience this regularly. It also gave some perspective on how we casually say, "trust Jesus".  

While my hope is fully in the maker of Heaven & earth, my human nature felt the emotional toll of life on this earth. I questioned how well I was walking by faith. Was I really doing that? 

Or was I just walking? Just getting by...just doing what had to be done?

And sometimes - you just gotta get through something. We all do it. I've been talking to one of my children about this very thing when it comes to algebra. You just have to get through it. 

And honestly, in many situations, you can do it, with or without Jesus. 

Unbelievers do it every day. But why would you do it without Him? 

For me, getting through it in faith is admitting that I'm struggling. 

Admitting that my heart believes in the goodness and love of Christ, while acknowledging that I am still human and my head reminds me of the dangers in this life. 

The challenge lies in balancing these two. 

One of many life-altering realizations in my life was learning that God is not afraid of my questions, doubts, concerns or weaknesses. In fact, I can't think of anyone in Scripture that did these things more than David and he was given the title of a "man after God's own heart". 

Learning how to recognize these struggles in my life, acknowledge them without accepting them and then freely communicate them to Christ has truly strengthened my walk of faith. 

I don't claim to know all the answers but I do know the One who does. 

There is deep peace and comfort, even when my humanity is quivering because of my realities, in knowing that God will give me what I need, in the moment of true need. 

That is walking by faith.

If you made it through my lengthy post after years of silence on this platform, 

I hope you are encouraged to be real with God. 

He already knows your deepest feelings, 

in fact better than you... 

but He desires honesty and relationship, communication, from us. 

Don't give up! Keep walking in faith! 

He = we {followers of Christ} win in the end!