Remember pictures before the iPhone and digital cameras? You never knew what you would get and often things came out blurry. Yet, we kept so many of the pictures because it was a memory, a special time that we captured on film. The past couple of days are blurry. It's been hard to focus on what day it is or even if it's day or night the past 36 hours. Hard to focus because of the strain of uncertainty and the fears that want to creep in, you know all the "what if" fears. Hard to focus because today's two and a half hour nap was the most sleep I've gotten, at one time, in an unknown number of days... But I don't want to forget these days. There are absolutely parts of them that I pray will fade into forgotten, but others that I want to remember for ever because I've seen God at work in amazing ways....Because we made vows to each other in marriage and those are being tested and through faithfulness to that, God is binding our hearts even closer....Because there are lessons to be learned through every single situation we face.
The past 24 hours have been tough. Mark is improving, but challenges continue to arise.
His BP is low and heart rate is high. That alone makes him feel crummy without having just been opened up twice in one day! He has had some minor bleeding issues that began just before bed last night and have continued off and on all day. He has been having an allergic reaction to one of his meds causing him to swell in his face, hands & feet. His lung sounds have been decreased. He spiked a fever tonight and has been going from extremely hot to freezing cold. They also found some previously unknown electrical issues within his heart that we're told are not causing any issue right now, but definitely something to watch. Pain meds typically lower BP so they have been quite hesitant to give him full doses and who wants that to happen two days post-op??!! All-in-all, just a tough day.
We believe these are just obstacles that the enemy has put in out path. So we will continue to fight back against him and watch all things blurry come into view and Jesus makes a way for total healing with minimal pain from this moment on. I want to say to every person reading this, thank you for taking the time to follow-along and lift us up in prayer. Thank you to every person that has helped, in any way - meals, groceries, activities for our kids, taking care of all our kids - keep our home running. We haven't heard any talk of a discharge date at this point, but are hopeful to hear something soon.
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
Sunday, July 28, 2019
Wheels
Have you ever felt like you were in a season where at any moment, the wheels might fall off, but there was still so much road to travel?? It's one thing to travel hard and fast and arrive at your destination and then see you made it and your worked you vehicle to it's max capacity and boom, the wheels fall off as you pull into your destination. I'm pretty sure I've seen this on something my kids have watched somewhere along the way. Like BUgs Bunny or something...Well, that's where I found myself Saturday night. The waiting intensifies the nervous thoughts about the approaching surgery for both, Mark & myself. Our minds are powerful and although we trust our Maker, we're still human and that is why the Bible says to take every thought captive. It's often a moment by moment battle and one that most likely every person reading this is in, in one way or another. Don't give up taking those thoughts captive!
I spent Saturday night at home with all my kiddos and some of the truest friends we could ever have. Thank you! And while I'm here, thank you to those who have stayed with our kiddos. Who have not only made sure they were safe, but made sure they know they are loved. You know who you are and your reward will be great! Also, to those providing meals so that those keeping things running don't also have to worry about cooking. What a blessing you all are! It was not my idea to stay at home, but Mark was right, after Saturday, I won't be running home freely. So I had a night to run errands, read to my kids, wash clothes, pay bills, prepare the house, pack for the next week....so many little things! My mind was still in the hospital with Mark; my heart was loving on my Littles at home & not having to do all the adult things, but my body just wanted to go to bed - to rest, but also to shut out reality for a few minutes. In those moments for me, it's so easy to be overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed, if I'm not careful, I just sit down. I don't accomplish all that needs to be done or at least give it a go because the thought of all of it just seems too much....the wheels falling off with road left to travel, kind of feeling!
I've found that most stressful times, such as what we're in right now, bring me to this place of needing to constantly remind myself of John 14:1 “Don’t let this throw you. You trust God, don’t you? Trust me." I often, even in everyday life, think about Matthew 11:30, "For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." But what about those times when you feel you are truckin' down the road He put you on, you are living out the destiny He created you for and you feel as if you have taken His yoke, yet it seems too hard to carry, like the wheels are about to fly off?? I certainly don't have all the answers, but one thing I've learned is there is and will always be a gap between our humanity and the perfection of God, so anytime there is a struggle to carry what's been placed on us, it's an opportunity for us to close that gap just a little. An opportunity to evaluate our hearts and see what areas our trust can grow. These times can be like a pressure cooker and can do more in a short time to grow our faith or strain our faith, and the outcome is truly up to us. I believe that our choice in these times is often what makes us more or less aware of the yoke. Something else I've learned is to just speak your your own heart and remind yourself that if you've traded your yoke for His, then He is keeping you and holding things up that you may never know about and that He is truly holding the real weight of the struggle. He is interceding for us in the throne room of Heaven and that knowledge in itself helps you carry the burden and keeps those wheels rolling until you reach the place of rest that God has already planned for you!
Thankfully Mark has had fairly uneventful days here in the hospital. No struggle to breath, no pressure in his chest, no extreme exhaustion - all things that he had been dealing with. When you look at the image from the heart cath, it is SO evident of God's protection and keeping in Mark and our family's life! Today, Sunday is a day that we are just determining to breathe. To enjoy all the moment together, to laugh, to trust. We are setting aside time this afternoon for our families, particularly our kids and we ask that we have time just for them. We still don't have any definite on surgery schedule, but it's looking more likely that it will be sometime tomorrow morning. We ask you to cover our kids & parents, cover our hearts from overwhelming fear and cover the medical team in prayer! We're so thankful for every person that is walking this journey with us through prayer and encouragement!!
I spent Saturday night at home with all my kiddos and some of the truest friends we could ever have. Thank you! And while I'm here, thank you to those who have stayed with our kiddos. Who have not only made sure they were safe, but made sure they know they are loved. You know who you are and your reward will be great! Also, to those providing meals so that those keeping things running don't also have to worry about cooking. What a blessing you all are! It was not my idea to stay at home, but Mark was right, after Saturday, I won't be running home freely. So I had a night to run errands, read to my kids, wash clothes, pay bills, prepare the house, pack for the next week....so many little things! My mind was still in the hospital with Mark; my heart was loving on my Littles at home & not having to do all the adult things, but my body just wanted to go to bed - to rest, but also to shut out reality for a few minutes. In those moments for me, it's so easy to be overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed, if I'm not careful, I just sit down. I don't accomplish all that needs to be done or at least give it a go because the thought of all of it just seems too much....the wheels falling off with road left to travel, kind of feeling!
I've found that most stressful times, such as what we're in right now, bring me to this place of needing to constantly remind myself of John 14:1 “Don’t let this throw you. You trust God, don’t you? Trust me." I often, even in everyday life, think about Matthew 11:30, "For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." But what about those times when you feel you are truckin' down the road He put you on, you are living out the destiny He created you for and you feel as if you have taken His yoke, yet it seems too hard to carry, like the wheels are about to fly off?? I certainly don't have all the answers, but one thing I've learned is there is and will always be a gap between our humanity and the perfection of God, so anytime there is a struggle to carry what's been placed on us, it's an opportunity for us to close that gap just a little. An opportunity to evaluate our hearts and see what areas our trust can grow. These times can be like a pressure cooker and can do more in a short time to grow our faith or strain our faith, and the outcome is truly up to us. I believe that our choice in these times is often what makes us more or less aware of the yoke. Something else I've learned is to just speak your your own heart and remind yourself that if you've traded your yoke for His, then He is keeping you and holding things up that you may never know about and that He is truly holding the real weight of the struggle. He is interceding for us in the throne room of Heaven and that knowledge in itself helps you carry the burden and keeps those wheels rolling until you reach the place of rest that God has already planned for you!
Thankfully Mark has had fairly uneventful days here in the hospital. No struggle to breath, no pressure in his chest, no extreme exhaustion - all things that he had been dealing with. When you look at the image from the heart cath, it is SO evident of God's protection and keeping in Mark and our family's life! Today, Sunday is a day that we are just determining to breathe. To enjoy all the moment together, to laugh, to trust. We are setting aside time this afternoon for our families, particularly our kids and we ask that we have time just for them. We still don't have any definite on surgery schedule, but it's looking more likely that it will be sometime tomorrow morning. We ask you to cover our kids & parents, cover our hearts from overwhelming fear and cover the medical team in prayer! We're so thankful for every person that is walking this journey with us through prayer and encouragement!!
Saturday, July 27, 2019
Stones
Apparently 4am and I are new BFFs. Ha! It's a great time for me to think, pray, to write....
This has been on my mind so much the past two days and when I woke, it felt as if I was already thinking about it. Weird. But then again, if it's something God is doing then it's not weird at all.
For those who don't know, Mark had bypass surgery 9 years ago - not open heart - but bypass surgery for sure. The doctors used a robot to perform the surgery. We would love for you to look back and read all the details in the archives of this blog. June 4th, 2010, the day of Mark's surgery, I came to a realization the the hopes of the past nine months had come true and I was more than likely, finally pregnant. Except, no. Now? Really? Uh, God.....? Let me tell you, seven months later, that little girl came as a burst of joy and light that we needed in a tough time of ministry and well, just life.
I'll share more later in how this all started with Mark, this time around, but this week, after spending a number of hours in the ER and being moved to a cardiac observation unit, I realized that our first full day in the hospital was the anniversary (if you haven't noticed, I have a thing about dates - ;) of another really tough day. Looking back at the pictures though, it may have been tough, but it brings be joy as well. Our sweet, yet feisty, tiny two-year old had begun having Petit Mal Seizures. It came out of no where and boy was it scary! We went through months of testing and questions with little to no answer as to what was causing them or why they suddenly started.
Joshua talks about stones of remembrance or memorial stones. Things from a certain event, in the Israelites case, large stones, that Joshua had them place specifically so that they could be used to remind themselves of the faithfulness of God. That's what this picture is for me - a reminder of the faithfulness of God. In fact, as I was driving to the hospital the same morning as realizing what had happened 6 years prior, the song Praise Before my Breakthrough came on in my car and it is perfect! The lyrics say: I'll praise before my breakthrough - Til my song becomes my triumph - I will sing because I trust You - I will bring my heart - I will lift my song // When I'm living out my faith - When I'm stepping on the sea - I know You take my hand - And walk with me // He who came in power - He will come again - He who heals the sick - Won't He move again!
Let's be real here, the tears were flowing, freely and heavily. But I was trading my worry for worship, because this song was so real. It is so real. We praise before we see any signs of what we're asking God for in that moment in time. We praise because we know what He has done in the past so we can be confident about the future. He will come again!!!
The picture of Kamdyn, although it still pulls the emotions up from deep in my being, is a "stone of remembrance" for me and brings peace. You see, shortly after this picture was taken we has a serious time of prayer and anointing this child to be healed; and for this situation to be a testimony and bring God glory. He did it! He healed her. The doctor's had decided that we were going to have to go on some pretty heavy medications, even though we didn't know the cause. We would just try different things, and that just didn't sit well with me. I asked him to give us a bit more time before we had to start something and God did the work. One day became one week which became one month and she was seizure free and has not had one since October 2013! No meds, just Jesus!
Today, as we wait...we may be one day closer to things we don't want to have to do. One day closer to overwhelming emotions and facing fears head-on, but I can look back at these stones and see that we are also one day closer to God's healing! One day closer to seeing Him move again and in fact we already have! For Mark to feel as good as he does with the blockages he has, and to take that even further by saying, to have not had anything more major happen than what we've been dealing with, is truly a miracle!
Pre-surgery protocols have begun and I would be lying if I said each time they come in to add to that agenda or talk about it, it doesn't shake our insides just a bit. We don't have to say it to each other, we just know. Good thing we also know how God has shown Himself faithful over and over in our lives. I'm not sure if the lingering unknown of the actual surgery date & time is better or worse, but it is what it is. We were told to plan for Monday morning and that seems to be the direction this is going.
I'll be pulling up every stone of remembrance in my mind over the next two days to help myself. Maybe you need to scroll back in the filed away images and stories of your life to encourage yourself! God certainly uses His people to bring encouragement. So many of you have done that and are continuing to do that for us and we are truly thankful! But if you can't encourage yourself in your faith, ask God to help you. The enemy is so very cunning and seems to know right when to come at you, when your most alone or at your weakest, so arm yourself with some stones. Not only are they faith boulders for you to stand on, you can use them like David when he faced Goliath. There is no demon in hell that can stand against a stone collected from a past situation God brought you through!! Be encouraged! Keep praying for us.
I'll be pulling up every stone of remembrance in my mind over the next two days to help myself. Maybe you need to scroll back in the filed away images and stories of your life to encourage yourself! God certainly uses His people to bring encouragement. So many of you have done that and are continuing to do that for us and we are truly thankful! But if you can't encourage yourself in your faith, ask God to help you. The enemy is so very cunning and seems to know right when to come at you, when your most alone or at your weakest, so arm yourself with some stones. Not only are they faith boulders for you to stand on, you can use them like David when he faced Goliath. There is no demon in hell that can stand against a stone collected from a past situation God brought you through!! Be encouraged! Keep praying for us.
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| This was a sleep study done on Kamdyn, 6 years ago (July 24th). It felt unbearable to watch the fear overtake her as fear welled up inside of me at what this study might reveal. Not only was it hard in that night, but my amazing little sleeper who had slept through the night for almost two whole years by this time, went for a solid NINE months after this, never sleeping more that 2 hours at a time. She would wake in a full panic, just like she did on this night. |
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| Little bundle of joy! I had to include this one too, because the other is just too sad. This was right after she was hooked up to all the leads and prior to the stuff that had to go in her nose and over her mouth. The smiles faded quite quickly when those things were added. We actually had very little sleep this night, and in a moment of exhaustion and frustration [because at 3:55 am, they were mentioning bringing us back in another night to redo] I practically begged her to go to sleep and we could go to the park the following day. I saw this sweet little grin reappear when we got in the car to go home about 7a and she said, "Remember today is our park day!" We celebrate the life God has given us! |
Friday, July 26, 2019
4:30AM is TOO early!
Do you ever feel like you just have to ask WHY? As a Mom, I have said, "don't ask why?", countless times to my children. As followers of Christ, we are often told, don't question God, don't ask why. . . But is it true for you as well, that sometimes, even when you don't verbalize why, the question fills every space in your 3 pound brain?? It certainly is for me. Mark would probably agree that I can unintentionally be so frustrating because I'm often trying to throw out the other perspective in most every situation. Even the ones I don't like. We're such complex beings and as I continue to learn more about myself, I've come to realize that not only do I want to consider the other perspective so that I am not self-absorbed, but I now believe the greatest reason is a need to find balance. Sometimes the scale tipping so far in one direction can seem unfair & even wrong.
In those moments of viewing situations like a scale, it can be overwhelming. Self-pity and all kinds of negative can flood into our minds and overflow into our hearts if we're not careful. This morning, and I use morning loosely because 4:25 is night time, there was a knock on the door and you say to yourself, do I really say come in? or who is it? at this hour?? [as the door opens anyway]
Our sweet, little tech comes in smiling and says, "time for your EKG" and in that moment, you ask yourself, WHY??? Why at 4:30 in the morning? For this situation, I could not even come up with a valid opposing point, because I was too distracted by the frightening image of myself when I opened by camera app and to my surprise saw a very puffy-eyes, pale-faced version of myself because my camera opened to selfie-mode. Yikes!! I quickly thought, I should totally get a disguise or something because I'm going to scare this poor girl! Haha! But even quicker, turned that camera mode around! I'll probably never know why, on this one, but Mark fell back asleep fairly quickly and then the nurse came in to apply a new nitroglycerin patch and he is now sleeping again, so all is well. (Especially if we can get a nap later!)
In all transparency, a much bigger why looms in our minds, even though it has remained unsaid.
Why again?
Why so bad, so fast?
Why now?
Why did this happen in the midst of many other challenges in our life?
The beauty of a why is this, God isn't scared off by a why? God isn't repulsed by our questions?
He doesn't turn His face away because our finite minds can not fathom His infinite view of our lives. He doesn't write us off because in our questions, we often misplace His role in the challenges that come into our lives. There are two guys in the Bible that immediately come to mind when I think of being real about the situations of life - Job & David. These guys definitely didn't always get it right, but one was restored to more than he ever lost and the other was called a "man after God's own heart". This tells me that when I go to God with honor, even with my transparency, flaws and questions, He responds with love and such a nearness that huge shifts take place in the atmosphere and life is changed. Although my mind has many whys, my heart remains steadfast that whether or not He gives me the answer to every question, He will most certainly fill me with hope to continue on regardless!
A huge why, I've asked is why is it so hard to get this surgery scheduled? Last night I was leaving my house and heading back to the hospital, which is my routine for now so that I can spend a few moments with all the kids before bed, my son walked me to the car and then asked if he could pray with me. My heart exploded with such joy that he #1. realized the source of our hope and strength lies in Jesus #2. cared about his Momma's heart and sensed the weight I was feeling. In part of his prayer he prayed that surgery would be Friday, today. As he concluded, I told him how proud I was of his faith and prayer even though I know he is struggling with all of this as well. I also shared with him that it we already knew that surgery wouldn't be today and without realizing what I was saying, I told him that it was okay because we want the best medical team for our guy! I know they are all skilled, but that God knows exactly who needs to be in that operating room for Daddy's needs and we want those people on whatever day that may be. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt a little stinging in my heart and knew the Holy Spirit wanted to show me something. I felt him opening my eyes to a truth that God often places the answer to our whys inside of us, but we are looking everywhere else for the answer or don't make the choice to see past our own reasoning. I've been asking folks to pray for Friday for a multitude of very valid reasons, but God has a greater plan and we are going to rest in that.
The exact surgery date is still up in the air - surgeon said, Monday or Tuesday...likely Monday.
So we wait. The Bible tells us to wait with hope, so that's what we're going to work on doing.
Today, Mark will have some testing to locate the best arteries for his bypasses. Also, the medical team noticed a few challenges in lung function and want him to work on increasing that over the next couple of days to be sure we don't have any opportunity for infection to settle there. There is an answer to every why. We have to work to get to the place of confidence in Christ that we trust Him fully and even if we never get the answer, we can confidently say that He is good!
I am praying that each person that reads this will stop beating themselves up because they've asked why, and if that's you, that you'll go to the throne room of God and lay your whys at His feet. We often hurl them across the room at His face, but when we take them to Him and lay them down, He responds with such comfort & beauty! I ask you to pray for encouragement for Mark as we wait, health in his lungs, ease in finding the vessels they need and strength - physical and emotional - for us, our children & our families!
In those moments of viewing situations like a scale, it can be overwhelming. Self-pity and all kinds of negative can flood into our minds and overflow into our hearts if we're not careful. This morning, and I use morning loosely because 4:25 is night time, there was a knock on the door and you say to yourself, do I really say come in? or who is it? at this hour?? [as the door opens anyway]
Our sweet, little tech comes in smiling and says, "time for your EKG" and in that moment, you ask yourself, WHY??? Why at 4:30 in the morning? For this situation, I could not even come up with a valid opposing point, because I was too distracted by the frightening image of myself when I opened by camera app and to my surprise saw a very puffy-eyes, pale-faced version of myself because my camera opened to selfie-mode. Yikes!! I quickly thought, I should totally get a disguise or something because I'm going to scare this poor girl! Haha! But even quicker, turned that camera mode around! I'll probably never know why, on this one, but Mark fell back asleep fairly quickly and then the nurse came in to apply a new nitroglycerin patch and he is now sleeping again, so all is well. (Especially if we can get a nap later!)
In all transparency, a much bigger why looms in our minds, even though it has remained unsaid.
Why again?
Why so bad, so fast?
Why now?
Why did this happen in the midst of many other challenges in our life?
The beauty of a why is this, God isn't scared off by a why? God isn't repulsed by our questions?
He doesn't turn His face away because our finite minds can not fathom His infinite view of our lives. He doesn't write us off because in our questions, we often misplace His role in the challenges that come into our lives. There are two guys in the Bible that immediately come to mind when I think of being real about the situations of life - Job & David. These guys definitely didn't always get it right, but one was restored to more than he ever lost and the other was called a "man after God's own heart". This tells me that when I go to God with honor, even with my transparency, flaws and questions, He responds with love and such a nearness that huge shifts take place in the atmosphere and life is changed. Although my mind has many whys, my heart remains steadfast that whether or not He gives me the answer to every question, He will most certainly fill me with hope to continue on regardless!
A huge why, I've asked is why is it so hard to get this surgery scheduled? Last night I was leaving my house and heading back to the hospital, which is my routine for now so that I can spend a few moments with all the kids before bed, my son walked me to the car and then asked if he could pray with me. My heart exploded with such joy that he #1. realized the source of our hope and strength lies in Jesus #2. cared about his Momma's heart and sensed the weight I was feeling. In part of his prayer he prayed that surgery would be Friday, today. As he concluded, I told him how proud I was of his faith and prayer even though I know he is struggling with all of this as well. I also shared with him that it we already knew that surgery wouldn't be today and without realizing what I was saying, I told him that it was okay because we want the best medical team for our guy! I know they are all skilled, but that God knows exactly who needs to be in that operating room for Daddy's needs and we want those people on whatever day that may be. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt a little stinging in my heart and knew the Holy Spirit wanted to show me something. I felt him opening my eyes to a truth that God often places the answer to our whys inside of us, but we are looking everywhere else for the answer or don't make the choice to see past our own reasoning. I've been asking folks to pray for Friday for a multitude of very valid reasons, but God has a greater plan and we are going to rest in that.
The exact surgery date is still up in the air - surgeon said, Monday or Tuesday...likely Monday.
So we wait. The Bible tells us to wait with hope, so that's what we're going to work on doing.
Today, Mark will have some testing to locate the best arteries for his bypasses. Also, the medical team noticed a few challenges in lung function and want him to work on increasing that over the next couple of days to be sure we don't have any opportunity for infection to settle there. There is an answer to every why. We have to work to get to the place of confidence in Christ that we trust Him fully and even if we never get the answer, we can confidently say that He is good!
I am praying that each person that reads this will stop beating themselves up because they've asked why, and if that's you, that you'll go to the throne room of God and lay your whys at His feet. We often hurl them across the room at His face, but when we take them to Him and lay them down, He responds with such comfort & beauty! I ask you to pray for encouragement for Mark as we wait, health in his lungs, ease in finding the vessels they need and strength - physical and emotional - for us, our children & our families!
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Life in Parallel
I truly love to blog. I'm just terrible at it. I told myself I'd do better once we became a foster family because I knew there would be plenty to write about. Although there may not have been many truer statements, an even truer statement would be how do I find the time? This post actually isn't directly related to foster care, yet it plays a role in bringing these thoughts into my mind....
Life lessons have been flying at me at an incredible pace now that we are fully immersed in this foster care world...the struggles, the joys, the heartbreak, the confusion, the work, the volume, the waste, the needs, the challenges, the blessings. All a beautiful and necessary part of this calling.
On a recent Friday morning after a definite late night and a super early morning, I was flying solo, with literally a thousand thoughts racing through my mind. Somehow all five kiddos were dressed, fed & out the door by 7:45 with Momma working on about 2 1/2 hours of sleep & STRESSED! After dropping everyone off at the appropriate locations, I began thinking and praying about my day. The uncertainties that were just ahead. The unknowns ahead. The questions... A thought consumed my mind suddenly, a thought of, "OH NO!! I've been here before!" The word parallel immediately came to mind. Often everyday things I see come to life and an analogy or new thought comes through it. Similar, yet opposite of a word picture, so a picture word??? Whatever...haha...you get the idea.
So this picture word 😉 came together as I was driving down a four lane road and my eyes glazed over, probably from lack of sleep, at the parallel roads while my mind was swirling with the familiarity of this place I suddenly found myself. Moments in life that suddenly feel parallel are those where although the "names & places" may be changed to disguise it as something new, it looks, smells and feels like the same old vine growing up around you. For me, in that moment, it felt as if the vine was beginning to choke the life out of me. I could see myself wanting to fight the pressure of the vine, wanting to push it off so it couldn't squeeze and entangle me to the point of no movement, but the parallelity of the moment caused me to surrender to the vine as it wrapped itself around my heart and mind. It felt as if I had almost unknowingly slipped into a whirlpool swirling down slowly and deeply. Like the end of a movie that slowly fades to a blank screen. Everything felt like too much.
Here's the best part though - the Comforter, MY Comforter, the Holy Spirit, went right with me and began speaking life and encouragement to my sinking heart. In that swirling, light-fading moment of fear and doubt that made we want to just say, it's all too much, beauty began to come out of the ashes. God so sweetly spoke to my heart that parallels happen in life. Some are more obvious than others. Reality could not be denied that this parallel was huge. Reality is that this parallel IS crippling without Him. Reality is that the first time through these similar situations already forever changed me, so what now? God said to my heart, reality is, this IS overwhelming... in human strength. But you have mine, so what are you going to do with it?
I began to feel the vine loosen. The depth of the swirl lessened. As I processed through these images and words I came to realize that parallels are two places in life that feel so similar you sometimes have to pinch yourself, but they also have two choices, that initially feel parallel, but wait, watch the difference! You see, it is natural to become crippled by fear, worry, anxiety, dread. To began to replay the familiar from past life experiences. Our human nature sets us up for that, but as Christ followers, we are not restrained to live only by our human nature. We can access the heart and mind of Christ and choose the path that says, oh yes, this is all to familiar and there is NOTHING in me that wants to travel this way again, but I can and I will because I've been here before and I know the provisions and promises that God kept last time through. The scars from the last experience help remind me that God brought me through. No parallel situation can take that away. When I feel heavy with emotion, that's okay. I recently read something from a friend who reposted this by @HappySonship ( I don't follow him or know anything about his life, but this is fire) "Jesus knew Lazarus would rise again. Still, He wept. Because embracing pain is not negating faith. It's actually part of being in the likeness of God. So have hope, but don't deny your emotions. Pay attention to them. Feel what you feel... And enjoy the coming resurrection"!!!
Jesus knew that He, himself was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, yet he wept at the realness of his death! I can feel overwhelmed at the realization of what lies ahead, but I am not overwhelmed because I know God has gone before me. He carried me through last time and now we can walk this path together. There will be moments where he has to pick me up again, but my legs are strengthened and my heart is sure of His care and nearness to me. I am praying as I write that if you are in a similar place to me, that instead of dread, trade it for confidence in Christ. Be assured that bumps and bruises are just part of the journey, but you can keep putting one foot in front of the other knowing that healing will come and you will be stronger through Him!!
When I began writing this, I was simply going to end here, because at the time, I didn't have any answers or direction or plan to a huge part of our current situation, but now we do and I'd love to share briefly... my favorite person in the whole world is sick. We found out yesterday afternoon that Mark has an 85% blockage in the artery on the right side of his heart and the entire portion of artery along the back of his heart is 100% blocked. June 4th, we celebrated 9 years since his first bypass surgery and it hurt my heart to hear that he needs to have the full open heart surgery to fix these problems. (You can go back to the beginning of this blog, not this post, to read our story and how it all unfolded then.) God's not finished with our story and although I wish with every fiber of my being that this wasn't being written in to our story now, I trust that no matter what comes our way, God will bring good out of it and we just want Him to get glory from our lives!
It's 4am and I'm sitting beside him as he restlessly tries to sleep. We don't know when surgery will be. We need rest & quiet. We are humbled at the people already praying. We don't mind anyone knowing details, but appreciate privacy and time to process it all and prepare for this season of healing. I will post details here as we know them. We ask for your prayers for peace for our hearts. We ask for your prayers for our sweet babies, Trenton & Kamdyn - they are scared. Trenton was 22 months old when we walked this road before. They want to be with us and don't understand the time or process it takes to get better. Pray for our foster kiddos as they've been through so much in their short life. We are doing all we can to lessen any strain this would cause on them.
Don't be discouraged. God is in every parallel & He wants us to choose the path that says I can walk this way, because I've done it before and His faithfulness carried me through! We're choosing that path. Pray that our faith will remain strong!!
Life lessons have been flying at me at an incredible pace now that we are fully immersed in this foster care world...the struggles, the joys, the heartbreak, the confusion, the work, the volume, the waste, the needs, the challenges, the blessings. All a beautiful and necessary part of this calling.
On a recent Friday morning after a definite late night and a super early morning, I was flying solo, with literally a thousand thoughts racing through my mind. Somehow all five kiddos were dressed, fed & out the door by 7:45 with Momma working on about 2 1/2 hours of sleep & STRESSED! After dropping everyone off at the appropriate locations, I began thinking and praying about my day. The uncertainties that were just ahead. The unknowns ahead. The questions... A thought consumed my mind suddenly, a thought of, "OH NO!! I've been here before!" The word parallel immediately came to mind. Often everyday things I see come to life and an analogy or new thought comes through it. Similar, yet opposite of a word picture, so a picture word??? Whatever...haha...you get the idea.
So this picture word 😉 came together as I was driving down a four lane road and my eyes glazed over, probably from lack of sleep, at the parallel roads while my mind was swirling with the familiarity of this place I suddenly found myself. Moments in life that suddenly feel parallel are those where although the "names & places" may be changed to disguise it as something new, it looks, smells and feels like the same old vine growing up around you. For me, in that moment, it felt as if the vine was beginning to choke the life out of me. I could see myself wanting to fight the pressure of the vine, wanting to push it off so it couldn't squeeze and entangle me to the point of no movement, but the parallelity of the moment caused me to surrender to the vine as it wrapped itself around my heart and mind. It felt as if I had almost unknowingly slipped into a whirlpool swirling down slowly and deeply. Like the end of a movie that slowly fades to a blank screen. Everything felt like too much.
Here's the best part though - the Comforter, MY Comforter, the Holy Spirit, went right with me and began speaking life and encouragement to my sinking heart. In that swirling, light-fading moment of fear and doubt that made we want to just say, it's all too much, beauty began to come out of the ashes. God so sweetly spoke to my heart that parallels happen in life. Some are more obvious than others. Reality could not be denied that this parallel was huge. Reality is that this parallel IS crippling without Him. Reality is that the first time through these similar situations already forever changed me, so what now? God said to my heart, reality is, this IS overwhelming... in human strength. But you have mine, so what are you going to do with it?
I began to feel the vine loosen. The depth of the swirl lessened. As I processed through these images and words I came to realize that parallels are two places in life that feel so similar you sometimes have to pinch yourself, but they also have two choices, that initially feel parallel, but wait, watch the difference! You see, it is natural to become crippled by fear, worry, anxiety, dread. To began to replay the familiar from past life experiences. Our human nature sets us up for that, but as Christ followers, we are not restrained to live only by our human nature. We can access the heart and mind of Christ and choose the path that says, oh yes, this is all to familiar and there is NOTHING in me that wants to travel this way again, but I can and I will because I've been here before and I know the provisions and promises that God kept last time through. The scars from the last experience help remind me that God brought me through. No parallel situation can take that away. When I feel heavy with emotion, that's okay. I recently read something from a friend who reposted this by @HappySonship ( I don't follow him or know anything about his life, but this is fire) "Jesus knew Lazarus would rise again. Still, He wept. Because embracing pain is not negating faith. It's actually part of being in the likeness of God. So have hope, but don't deny your emotions. Pay attention to them. Feel what you feel... And enjoy the coming resurrection"!!!
Jesus knew that He, himself was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, yet he wept at the realness of his death! I can feel overwhelmed at the realization of what lies ahead, but I am not overwhelmed because I know God has gone before me. He carried me through last time and now we can walk this path together. There will be moments where he has to pick me up again, but my legs are strengthened and my heart is sure of His care and nearness to me. I am praying as I write that if you are in a similar place to me, that instead of dread, trade it for confidence in Christ. Be assured that bumps and bruises are just part of the journey, but you can keep putting one foot in front of the other knowing that healing will come and you will be stronger through Him!!
When I began writing this, I was simply going to end here, because at the time, I didn't have any answers or direction or plan to a huge part of our current situation, but now we do and I'd love to share briefly... my favorite person in the whole world is sick. We found out yesterday afternoon that Mark has an 85% blockage in the artery on the right side of his heart and the entire portion of artery along the back of his heart is 100% blocked. June 4th, we celebrated 9 years since his first bypass surgery and it hurt my heart to hear that he needs to have the full open heart surgery to fix these problems. (You can go back to the beginning of this blog, not this post, to read our story and how it all unfolded then.) God's not finished with our story and although I wish with every fiber of my being that this wasn't being written in to our story now, I trust that no matter what comes our way, God will bring good out of it and we just want Him to get glory from our lives!
It's 4am and I'm sitting beside him as he restlessly tries to sleep. We don't know when surgery will be. We need rest & quiet. We are humbled at the people already praying. We don't mind anyone knowing details, but appreciate privacy and time to process it all and prepare for this season of healing. I will post details here as we know them. We ask for your prayers for peace for our hearts. We ask for your prayers for our sweet babies, Trenton & Kamdyn - they are scared. Trenton was 22 months old when we walked this road before. They want to be with us and don't understand the time or process it takes to get better. Pray for our foster kiddos as they've been through so much in their short life. We are doing all we can to lessen any strain this would cause on them.
Don't be discouraged. God is in every parallel & He wants us to choose the path that says I can walk this way, because I've done it before and His faithfulness carried me through! We're choosing that path. Pray that our faith will remain strong!!
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