4:30AM is TOO early!

Do you ever feel like you just have to ask WHY?  As a Mom, I have said, "don't ask why?", countless times to my children.  As followers of Christ, we are often told, don't question God, don't ask why. . . But is it true for you as well, that sometimes, even when you don't verbalize why, the question fills every space in your 3 pound brain?? It certainly is for me. Mark would probably agree that I can unintentionally be so frustrating because I'm often trying to throw out the other perspective in most every situation. Even the ones I don't like. We're such complex beings and as I continue to learn more about myself, I've come to realize that not only do I want to consider the other perspective so that I am not self-absorbed, but I now believe the greatest reason is a need to find balance. Sometimes the scale tipping so far in one direction can seem unfair & even wrong.

In those moments of viewing situations like a scale, it can be overwhelming. Self-pity and all kinds of negative can flood into our minds and overflow into our hearts if we're not careful. This morning, and I use morning loosely because 4:25 is night time, there was a knock on the door and you say to yourself, do I really say come in? or who is it? at this hour??  [as the door opens anyway]
Our sweet, little tech comes in smiling and says, "time for your EKG" and in that moment, you ask yourself, WHY??? Why at 4:30 in the morning?  For this situation, I could not even come up with a valid opposing point, because I was too distracted by the frightening image of myself when I opened by camera app and to my surprise saw a very puffy-eyes, pale-faced version of myself because my camera opened to selfie-mode. Yikes!! I quickly thought, I should totally get a disguise or something because I'm going to scare this poor girl! Haha!  But even quicker, turned that camera mode around! I'll probably never know why, on this one, but Mark fell back asleep fairly quickly and then the nurse came in to apply a new nitroglycerin patch and he is now sleeping again, so all is well. (Especially if we can get a nap later!)

In all transparency, a much bigger why looms in our minds, even though it has remained unsaid.
Why again?
Why so bad, so fast?
Why now?
Why did this happen in the midst of many other challenges in our life?
The beauty of a why is this, God isn't scared off by a why? God isn't repulsed by our questions?
He doesn't turn His face away because our finite minds can not fathom His infinite view of our lives. He doesn't write us off because in our questions, we often misplace His role in the challenges that come into our lives. There are two guys in the Bible that immediately come to mind when I think of being real about the situations of life - Job & David. These guys definitely didn't always get it right, but one was restored to more than he ever lost and the other was called a "man after God's own heart". This tells me that when I go to God with honor, even with my transparency, flaws and questions, He responds with love and such a nearness that huge shifts take place in the atmosphere and life is changed. Although my mind has many whys, my heart remains steadfast that whether or not He gives me the answer to every question, He will most certainly fill me with hope to continue on regardless!

A huge why, I've asked is why is it so hard to get this surgery scheduled? Last night I was leaving my house and heading back to the hospital, which is my routine for now so that I can spend a few moments with all the kids before bed, my son walked me to the car and then asked if he could pray with me. My heart exploded with such joy that he #1. realized the source of our hope and strength lies in Jesus  #2. cared about his Momma's heart and sensed the weight I was feeling. In part of his prayer he prayed that surgery would be Friday, today. As he concluded, I told him how proud I was of his faith and prayer even though I know he is struggling with all of this as well. I also shared with him that it we already knew that surgery wouldn't be today and without realizing what I was saying, I told him that it was okay because we want the best medical team for our guy!  I know they are all skilled, but that God knows exactly who needs to be in that operating room for Daddy's needs and we want those people on whatever day that may be. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt a little stinging in my heart and knew the Holy Spirit wanted to show me something. I felt him opening my eyes to a truth that God often places the answer to our whys inside of us, but we are looking everywhere else for the answer or don't make the choice to see past our own reasoning. I've been asking folks to pray for Friday for a multitude of very valid reasons, but God has a greater plan and we are going to rest in that.

The exact surgery date is still up in the air - surgeon said, Monday or Tuesday...likely Monday.
So we wait. The Bible tells us to wait with hope, so that's what we're going to work on doing. 
Today, Mark will have some testing to locate the best arteries for his bypasses. Also, the medical team noticed a few challenges in lung function and want him to work on increasing that over the next couple of days to be sure we don't have any opportunity for infection to settle there. There is an answer to every why. We have to work to get to the place of confidence in Christ that we trust Him fully and even if we never get the answer, we can confidently say that He is good!

I am praying that each person that reads this will stop beating themselves up because they've asked why, and if that's you, that you'll go to the throne room of God and lay your whys at His feet. We often hurl them across the room at His face, but when we take them to Him and lay them down, He responds with such comfort & beauty!  I ask you to pray for encouragement for Mark as we wait, health in his lungs, ease in finding the vessels they need and strength - physical and emotional - for us, our children & our families!